For the last couple years, you have gotten to know me as Random Girl: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have shared my shenanigan-filled adventures, bad decisions, struggles as a single and/or coupled girl, challenges as a mother, and a lot of other stuff that I just thought was funny or weird or something you might relate to.
I have been unfiltered.
I have made decisions that some would find questionable.
I have over-shared in just about every way possible.
I regret nothing.
Everything that I put in words is me. I own it all. It's all real life, unless specifically noted as fiction for a writing challenge or because inspiration gave me a story.
But people change sometimes. And I think that I'm an example of that happening.
Actually, I don't know if it's so much a matter of me changing as it is just a matter of me getting back to my foundation, to what I know to be truth, and really focusing on those things as opposed to just taking whatever comes my way. I think I'm living closer to my truth now than I have in a very long time and it feels darn good.
I don't regret a single thing that I have done because I know that I had to experience each and every one of those things to bring me to the place that I am today.
I made the road very difficult for myself by making bad decisions. I hurt people and I hurt myself by being selfish, stubborn, and giving in to my sinful nature with very little resistance. I ignored the things that I know to be true and be right so I could do the things that I wanted to do when I wanted to do them.
I lived like today was all there was, with no consequence or accountability. I gave no thought to what my true purpose was in this world or what God had created me to be and to accomplish with the time he has given me.
I lost my focus.
I feel like finally it has returned. My thoughts are focused on God and the good things He wants for me. The things He wants me to do for His glory, not for my own.
I am not a newly saved "Jesus freak" who thinks I am above everyone else and nothing I did before was really me. I'm not disowning my failures, forgetting my shortcomings, or denying who I am. I am, however, living in gratitude in the truth that I'm a sinner saved by God's grace and that through Him, all things are possible.
Nothing is held against me. I'm not judged on my deeds. I am completely sufficient even in my brokenness.
I sin daily. I am short tempered, lustful, selfish, and materialistic. I get jealous of what other's have, I don't help those in need as much as I should, and I still get caught up in a thousand other things that distract me from God's truth and my purpose. And I know that even with all of that, I am loved, sought after, and have been given a specific reason for every moment.
Every trial, heartbreak, and tragedy I have been served with has been a unique blessing. Those trials are not over and it's not His intention for our life to be easy or comfortable, but to be purposeful in showing others His love and grace. That's what I'm here for and I am asking God to use me to show others the light and love of His kingdom.
What does this mean for Random Girl?
I considered deleting it all, erasing those words, distancing myself from the things I have engaged in and shared about. But I'm not and I won't. I'm not ashamed of what I have done or where I have been. It's a part of who I am. And I think it serves to bear an even greater witness. Anyone, even someone like me who has a list of shenanigans and sins a mile long, is forgiven and loved.
So I'm letting it remain out there for the world to see. I hope that what is seen going forward is just as well accepted as what I have written and shared in the past and that those that have followed me continue to do so with an open, accepting mind.
I am after all, still Random Girl.