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Friday, July 26, 2013

Things Change

For the last couple years, you have gotten to know me as Random Girl: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have shared my shenanigan-filled adventures, bad decisions, struggles as a single and/or coupled girl,  challenges as a mother, and a lot of other stuff that I just thought was funny or weird or something you might relate to.

I have been unfiltered.

I have made decisions that some would find questionable.

I have over-shared in just about every way possible.

I regret nothing.

Everything that I put in words is me. I own it all. It's all real life, unless specifically noted as fiction for a writing challenge or because inspiration gave me a story.

But people change sometimes. And I think that I'm an example of that happening.

Actually, I don't know if it's so much a matter of me changing as it is just a matter of me getting back to my foundation, to what I know to be truth, and really focusing on those things as opposed to just taking whatever comes my way. I think I'm living closer to my truth now than I have in a very long time and it feels darn good.

I don't regret a single thing that I have done because I know that I had to experience each and every one of those things to bring me to the place that I am today.

I made the road very difficult for myself by making bad decisions. I hurt people and I hurt myself by being selfish, stubborn, and giving in to my sinful nature with very little resistance. I ignored the things that I know to be true and be right so I could do the things that I wanted to do when I wanted to do them.

I lived like today was all there was, with no consequence or accountability. I gave no thought to what my true purpose was in this world or what God had created me to be and to accomplish with the time he has given me.

I lost my focus.

I feel like finally it has returned. My thoughts are focused on God and the good things He wants for me. The things He wants me to do for His glory, not for my own.

I am not a newly saved "Jesus freak" who thinks I am above everyone else and nothing I did before was really me. I'm not disowning my failures, forgetting my shortcomings, or denying who I am. I am, however, living in gratitude in the truth that I'm a sinner saved by God's grace and that through Him, all things are possible.

Nothing is held against me. I'm not judged on my deeds. I am completely sufficient even in my brokenness.

I sin daily. I am short tempered, lustful, selfish, and materialistic. I get jealous of what other's have, I don't help those in need as much as I should, and I still get caught up in a thousand other things that distract me from God's truth and my purpose. And I know that even with all of that, I am loved, sought after, and have been given a specific reason for every moment.

Every trial, heartbreak, and tragedy I have been served with has been a unique blessing. Those trials are not over and it's not His intention for our life to be easy or comfortable, but to be purposeful in showing others His love and grace. That's what I'm here for and I am asking God to use me to show others the light and love of His kingdom.

What does this mean for Random Girl?

I considered deleting it all, erasing those words, distancing myself from the things I have engaged in and shared about. But I'm not and I won't. I'm not ashamed of what I have done or where I have been. It's a part of who I am. And I think it serves to bear an even greater witness. Anyone, even someone like me who has a list of shenanigans and sins a mile long, is forgiven and loved.

So I'm letting it remain out there for the world to see. I hope that what is seen going forward is just as well accepted as what I have written and shared in the past and that those that have followed me continue to do so with an open, accepting mind.

I am after all, still Random Girl.



13 comments:

  1. I love this post, a lot. Lately I've been finding myself heading in the same direction in my own way.

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    1. Finding your own way is the only way to do it Michael. No one can shove you in a direction they want you to go, you have to get there in your own time and in your own way.

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  2. We're hear to support you no matter which road you choose or where it takes us, my darling RandyGirl.

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    1. As always, I know I can count on you my sweet Kat! Thank you for that!

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  3. Randy, I relate to this post completely and respect you more for having the nerve to put it out there. God's grace is sufficient. The trick is, allowing yourself to believe it and trust that it is so. Keep this place intact. It bares witness to the power of redemption and forgiveness. Keep fighting the good fight. We are all beautiful messes.

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    1. Thanks for your words of encouragement ib. They are much appreciated. Beautiful mess...that describes a lot of things right now.

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  4. Good for you. I support anything anyone does that makes their life feel more meaningful and fulfilling and I'm glad you've found something that has brought those feelings to you. I feel myself transforming a bit too, with this new baby on the way, so we'll see what his birth brings... I wish you all the best and will still be stopping by no matter what!

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    1. Thanks Yve! I know that you have been pondering a few things as you have made your way through your pregnancy and I am here to help however and whenever I can! It's hard to deny a blessing sometimes...

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  5. I'm not at that place where you are, yet. I'm slowly making my way there, detouring a lot, veering off more roads than I can count. I'm not there yet, there is still a lot I am working out and trying to come to terms with, but I know that God loves me and has forgiven me for my own shenanigans and shortcomings. I'm very happy for your "center" and your re-focus on your life. Hope to be in that same place, soon. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. I don't think anyone truly "gets there" until they are standing before God. Until then, it's a day by day trial of learning, succeeding, failing, and finding. I hope you are enjoying your journey!

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  6. Predictable. Regret is a word few women fully comprehend and therein lies a problem... Lessons can be learned without having to run through them first hand. This self empowered BS, well , you dont need to convince us. Theres only one, and she looks back at you when you brush your teeth.

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    1. This wasn't an attempt to convince anyone of anything, it was simply me sharing my heart. I don't have to prove myself before anyone, I know where I am and I'm ok with falling short of what someone else would expect from me.
      I'm not claiming to be self empowered, quite the opposite actually. I have humbled myself and realized that it's only in my weakness and stumbling that I come to know the strength He provides.
      Thank you for your comment though, I appreciate you reading.

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    2. You shouldnt be ok falling short of your own expectation. But youre right, thats hard to do when you dont have any expectations for yourself to begin with. Youve floated by the path of least resistance, theres nothing humbling about that. Dont get fooled by the malempowering ass kissers or turning to a omniscient entity is going to fuel you. Youre capacity to bond , meaningfully , has been seriously compromised - recognize that first. Then maybe the other pieces will fall in place

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