I was filling her in on my current boy situation. She asked all the normal questions, what's going on, how do I think things are going, what's good/bad/ugly with this boy or that one. She's good about covering all the bases. So when the topic of Twin came up and I gave her the current low down, she had only one thing to say: Quit being an idiot!
Yep, she just called me out. That's why I love her.
Her comment came after I had brought her up to speed on the most recent develops on the Twin front such as the massive amount of dedication, support, and attention he has thrown my way. How, even though I have pulled some shit on him and been totally honest about it (like dating someone else at the same time), that despite everything, he still is committed to me and to us and wants us to give it a serious try together.
I told her how I have been resistant, uncertain, taking him more lightly than I probably should have, and that's when she told me to quit being an idiot and see what is in front of me: A guy that is ready to go all in, who loves me and cares for me, and is ready to put in the time and effort to see where this relationship can go. Guys like that don't just come in to your life everyday she reminded me. I should give it a serious chance to let it be good.
It was really what I needed to hear. It wasn't something that hadn't already been bouncing around in the back of mind anyways for a while but I am pretty good at ignoring that little voice when it's telling me something that means I have to really look at opening myself up and/or changing how I currently operate, pretty much in complete selfish mode. I'm good at it.
I sat down late one night this weekend and took a serious inventory. And I do mean serious. I covered all the deep, dark uncomfortable things that I had been glossing over. I took a serious look at a few things: What I want in this relationship, or more correctly, what I won't settle for being without. These are deal breakers we are talking about. Then I did a list of all the things that I think Twin needs from me. And then came the hard one, the cold, hard truth about why I was afraid to open my heart.
Pages and pages of writing later, I finally closed my notebook. I felt better getting it all out of my head and down into readable pages, organized thoughts, truth via words. There was something very freeing about it.
But I didn't stop there. I decided words on paper were great, but those words needed to be said aloud, and they needed to be heard by Twin if I was really going to feel committed to us taking a chance on moving forward. It was the scariest thing to do, but I almost excited to finally be feeling brave enough to speak the truth and really, really lay myself bare.
He heard it all. He listened. Asked questions for clarification when needed. He confirmed my speculation on his needs and added a few things himself. He didn't judge me or question me or make me feel like what I was feeling was wrong. It was pretty awesome.
We found out that we are much more on the same page than either of us thought and that we have a lot of the same focus, goals, and wants for how the future for each of us will shake out.
I'm still not 100% certain of what I'm wanting or what next steps look like at this point and I didn't expect this to be a magic cure-all by any means. But I'm happy with what I learned about myself, what I learned about him, and what we were able to figure out about each other.
If you haven't taken an honest, serious inventory of what you want/need and what your fears are, you should. You just might learn something pretty cool.