Yes, that's right kids, my fear and emotional slowness are at an all time high right now. Let's just put it all out there, shall we?
I haven't mentioned Jr. High Crush in a while, and there is a reason for that. Things are going well. Things could be going really really well if I wasn't such a closed off pain in the ass most of the time. This one is on me. I am the roadblock. I own it.
First, a quick update. Jr. High Crush and I have been going strong, well as strong as we can with work and conflicting kid schedules (and my emotional slowness in full effect), but we are managing to find time to see each other in some capacity as often as we can.
What is different, and maybe not quite what I expected, is that he is really just open about who he is, what he is feeling, and what he wants. No games. How can I function with no games?? I have spent years deciphering the cryptic meanings behind words and gestures only to now have a guy that lays it all out in plain English for me? I'm not quite sure how to handle all of this honesty and forthrightness.
It's not really the honesty and forthrightness that I'm having a hard time handling, it is my reaction and then the expectation that I feel is put on me to try and return the favor. I have done a good job of bobbing and weaving to avoid a direct hit so far, but eventually I'm going to have to open up to him. The only problem is, that I'm not sure exactly what that means right now. What I am sure of is that I for some reason, am almost completely unable to understand and admit my feelings to myself, let alone share it with him at this point.
So I'm going to try and give a test run on you guys. I hope that is OK.
There are things about Jr. High Crush that I knew from before or figured out right away:
He is shorter than me (and I don't even really mind despite my previous rant on "Size Matters")
He is kind and genuine
He is a great dad
He puts family first
He invests in things he thinks are worth investing in
He is honest
He has good taste in music
He almost died twice in the last year.
He really really likes me
There are also things about Jr. High Crush that I am learning for the first time:
He has a lot of collections. All valuable things that he is super-knowledgeable about, but not a single interest in common from that standpoint
He is an old soul. I have heard that said about people before but never really got it until I saw it firsthand with him
He is most likely never moving from his small town
He has a cat, or his daughter does I guess I should say. I am not a fan of cats in general, so of course his loves me and won't go away.
He wants us to be in a relationship, officially. And do things that people in relationships do like vacation with our daughters and meet each other's families.
Overall, there aren't a lot of things about him that I don't like, just several things about him that I fail to understand and question whether I could be accepting of those things if this were to become a long-term situation.
The biggest one being the small town thing. I have nothing against small towns. I grew up in one and I think I turned out OK. But I have been a city girl almost as long as I was in the small town and I for sure prefer the city and want my daughter to grow up in one. He owns a house and it is full of his collections and he already told me that he isn't moving. I would never move there. In fact, when school is out this summer, I am moving two hours in the opposite direction to an even bigger city. It's pretty much set in stone. He is not happy about that.
Other than our single-parenting, small town upbringing, and taste in music, we have very little in common. We don't pretend that we don't know it, we both fully acknowledge the fact. But we are still fond of each other. And despite not having had sex yet (I hear you gasping...take a minute and let that sink in...) we have tested the waters enough to confirm that there is an intense physical chemistry between us as well. Talk about complaining about something that is not a problem, right??
It's a situation where really nothing is wrong at the moment, but I can't see how or where our lives would fit together down the road based on everything I know about each of us now. So I'm kind of stuck.
Do I keep enjoying the ride and letting each of us invest more emotionally into each other only to know that it's going to end with disappointment or do I stop a good thing in its tracks, be thankful for the time we've had, and cut my losses before I get any more attached?
See? I told you I was emotionally stunted!
Any advice for me?