Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Taking a "me" inventory

So I'm back from my trip to Texas. It was a very busy but productive couple of days but it's always nice to be home. One bonus of going to Texas is that my best friend lives there so I get a few days of quality time with her while I'm in town. Doesn't happen often, but I'm glad when it does. 

I was filling her in on my current boy situation. She asked all the normal questions, what's going on, how do I think things are going, what's good/bad/ugly with this boy or that one. She's good about covering all the bases. So when the topic of Twin came up and I gave her the current low down, she had only one thing to say: Quit being an idiot!

Yep, she just called me out. That's why I love her. 

Her comment came after I had brought her up to speed on the most recent develops on the Twin front such as the massive amount of dedication, support, and attention he has thrown my way. How, even though I have pulled some shit on him and been totally honest about it (like dating someone else at the same time), that despite everything, he still is committed to me and to us and wants us to give it a serious try together.

I told her how I have been resistant, uncertain, taking him more lightly than I probably should have, and that's when she told me to quit being an idiot and see what is in front of me: A guy that is ready to go all in, who loves me and cares for me, and is ready to put in the time and effort to see where this relationship can go. Guys like that don't just come in to your life everyday she reminded me. I should give it a serious chance to let it be good. 

It was really what I needed to hear. It wasn't something that hadn't already been bouncing around in the back of mind anyways for a while but I am pretty good at ignoring that little voice when it's telling me something that means I have to really look at opening myself up and/or changing how I currently operate, pretty much in complete selfish mode. I'm good at it. 

I sat down late one night this weekend and took a serious inventory. And I do mean serious. I covered all the deep, dark uncomfortable things that I had been glossing over. I took a serious look at a few things: What I want in this relationship, or more correctly, what I won't settle for being without. These are deal breakers we are talking about. Then I did a list of all the things that I think Twin needs from me. And then came the hard one, the cold, hard truth about why I was afraid to open my heart. 

Pages and pages of writing later, I finally closed my notebook. I felt better getting it all out of my head and down into readable pages, organized thoughts, truth via words. There was something very freeing about it. 

But I didn't stop there. I decided words on paper were great, but those words needed to be said aloud, and they needed to be heard by Twin if I was really going to feel committed to us taking a chance on moving forward. It was the scariest thing to do, but I almost excited to finally be feeling brave enough to speak the truth and really, really lay myself bare. 

He heard it all. He listened. Asked questions for clarification when needed. He confirmed my speculation on his needs and added a few things himself. He didn't judge me or question me or make me feel like what I was feeling was wrong. It was pretty awesome. 

We found out that we are much more on the same page than either of us thought and that we have a lot of the same focus, goals, and wants for how the future for each of us will shake out. 

I'm still not 100% certain of what I'm wanting or what next steps look like at this point and I didn't expect this to be a magic cure-all by any means. But I'm happy with what I learned about myself, what I learned about him, and what we were able to figure out about each other. 

If you haven't taken an honest, serious inventory of what you want/need and what your fears are, you should. You just might learn something pretty cool. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

"Soft-Core Friday" - Everything's Bigger Here

Happy SCF kids! This is going to be short and sweet because I'm writing it on my trusty iPhone and because I'm at my big HQ office in TX and since they flew me here and all, they expect me to work.

It's true that everything is truly bigger in Texas. The construction zones, the commute time, and of course the boobs on most of the women in this office. I'm a little jealous when I come here but I'm trying to get over myself and stay focused. They are distracting though, let me tell ya!

Just an update on my letter writing idea, the first was written, mailed, and received by the intended this week.the response was pretty overwhelming from the person I sent it to. I'm very glad I shared my words because I get the feeling that that person really needed to hear them at the moment they did.

I've had several people tell me they are jumping on board and giving their words via hand written letter as well. I hope you will. And i hope you will share the response with us!

I hope you lovelies have a stellar weekend! Now I'm off to find myself a cowboy! Giddy up!!

Monday, July 16, 2012

I'm going to start writing letters

I've decided that I'm going to start writing letters. Like real pen-to-paper letters to the people that I love or have impacted my life in some way. I'm going to write, stamp, and mail those letters to the people that are intended to receive them. Because I need to know that they know what they mean to me.

I know that this is not a novel idea, writing letters to people who have impacted my life, but it is a new idea for me. As much as I share my ideas and goings on with the kids here at RG, I'm really quite awful about being open and emotionally transparent with the people in my everyday life. I need to do better. This is one small step towards trying to do that.

I haven't sat down and made a list of people I need to write to. I'm going to commit to writing one letter a week, and that letter will go to whoever is on my heart at that moment, who I feel could benefit from seeing my thoughts about them in black and white. It's a long overdue gesture in some ways, and will be a total surprise to some because they certainly would never expect such a thing from me.

I thought about typing my thoughts out for convenience and times sake, maybe even e-mailing to make the process quicker. Then I decided that is not what this effort is about. It is about taking the time to give my thoughts, in my own hand writing, to people I find very worthy and special. E-mail and typed letters aren't going to convey how special or valued that person is in my opinion. I'll be doing this the old-fashioned way, even if my handwriting is an odd combination of printing and cursive and some of my letters are smooshed or run together. It will be authentically me.

So I'm going to go out and buy some beautiful paper, a box of envelopes, and new roll of stamps and get to writing. Check your mail, you might be hearing from me soon!

Friday, July 13, 2012

"Soft-Core Friday" - Can we get back to the fun now?

Happy "Soft-Core Friday" kids! I don't know about you all, but I'm kind of sick of all the seriousness of things as of late so let's just have some fun today OK?

So you know I've been spending some time with the fam lately as we gathered to say goodbye to my adorable grandma and there have been some amusing things come up. The funniest thing to me was my mother telling of how, out of sheer boredom, she took a trip to the theater on her own one afternoon to see Magic Mike. Yep, that happened. If you knew my mother, this story would be much funnier but you'll have to take my word for it.

She continued to tell me how she was disappointed by the lack of story line and that she kept waiting for something to happen. Ummm, Mom, it's a movie about male strippers...that last thing you should be concerned about is the story line. I found that incredibly amusing and reminded her that the point of the movie was to enjoy the man candy, which she admitted she did, and then I got jealous because I still haven't gotten to see it. Soon, I promise, soon!

Have your parents ever done something that was so out of character it shocked or amused you? Or, even more fun, what do you do to torture and embarrass your kids?? Share!

And because I haven't had a good SCF song in a while, let's do this one up right. Here's a little bounce around music compliments of Neon Trees: Everybody Talks. It's on my faves list right now.  Enjoy!

Monday, July 9, 2012

A Good One is Gone

There has been a lot going on in Randyland lately but I'll get around to all of that business later. I just wanted to take a quick moment today to recognize an amazing lady who shared herself with the world just a few weeks shy of 90 years but as of earlier today has been taken home to get to become some one's very special angel, my grandma.

One of my very first blog posts and I think my first post ever at Studio Thirty Plus was a tribute to her as well. It was just after I had been with her in a very scary moment in the ER where I thought we had lost her but she was just stubborn enough to pull through and keep smiling. Since then, her life has not been easy and she enjoyed just brief moments of it when she wasn't dealing with some health struggle that had yet again knocked her down.

Even in her final hours, which I was lucky enough to share with her, she was the model of gratitude, strength, and humor. Although my family is sad to no longer have her here to share in our moments, we are all so very happy that she now gets to continue on her journey as her most perfect self, free of pain and those things which burdened her. What a joy!

I'm not looking for sympathy or comments by sharing this news, just people to join me in celebrating this amazing woman, the family she created, the legacy she leaves, and the wonderful example she provided me with of all that a woman should be.