Monday, April 23, 2012

A Crazy Tragic Almost Magic Orgasm-tastic Guest Post!

Hi! You've reached Random Girl. I'm off jet-setting at the moment but please feel free to stick around and make yourself at home with my sister from another mister, Michael. She runs the show over at Crazy Tragic Almost Magic so get over there and start stalking her like I do check her out. She is awesome and totally Random Girl approved. Plus she is sharing a story about winning a contest for the best fake orgasm so you know she's just my style. Enjoy!

I was catching up with my never ending blog roll and noticed that one of my favorite bloggers, Randy, was looking for guest posts while she’s out committing sunny shenanigans. Jealous? Yea, me too. I happily volunteered the tale of my 26th birthday…..
Last November, for my 26th birthday, I round up my 4 very best friends and went out for the night. It was a planned evening of dinner and a show followed by drinking and dancing at one of my fave bars in the city. Tame sounding right? Possibly. Except dinner and a show was at Lips which is a drag bar. Dinner was good. The show? Even better. One of my best friends is gay and married and I have spent many a night in gay bars with him. They were some of my best times.

So since we were there celebrating my birthday, as were others, I was granted a hand-crafted, sparkling crown. All birthday participants were also invited on stage for free dessert and a picture (Score!) The show was amazing. If you've never been to a drag bar I highly suggest you go. It is nothing short of a great time.

Midway through the waxed arms, skimpy outfits and makeup that would make the MAC girls jealous they called all birthday participants back to the stage for a contest. I didn't really want to march my 4" heels back up on stage but my inner diva forced me to go. Hosting Queen announced that we were not required to participate if we didn't want to. As I'm fully enveloped in an inner monologue I hear the Queen state that we are having an orgasm faking contest. WHAT?! Of course everyone in the crowd cheers. If you were up here you wouldn't be cheering. In the nanoseconds it took for this to register my inner Jiminy was screaming at me to get of the stage. However, shame trumps all and I remember thinking, "I walked all the way up here in these heels, I'm staying!"One girl couldn't get off the stage fast enough and out of the maybe 9 of us that had been up there, 4 remained.

Fortunately for me I was to perform second. I figured that was enough time to get "in the mood". The 1st girl went and she was all "Oooooh! Fuck me daddy!" People cheered and I admit, I was impressed. Here it is. My turn. The pressure is on. The lights are shining. The Queen has the mic in my face. It's O time! I gave it my best but kept it relatively simple. You know, moaning, panting, all that jazz. I finished (ahh I love perfectly fitting, unplanned puns) and people were cheering for me as well. The last 2 girls went and in all honesty their fake O was bad. Really bad. I'm going to assume that they may not have had the pleasure, and I do mean pleasure of having a real one to base their fake on. Harsh, I know. But we're talking about the O zone people! Either score or... well...just score.

Clearly the last 2 contestants were out so it was just me and Ms. Daddy. The Queen made everyone be quiet by threatening them with penis violation and then told them to cheer for Ms. Daddy. The subjects obeyed and she promptly threatened them into silence again. Then she tells them to cheer for me. It was louder! Me?! I'm the better faker?! This cannot be happening! But alas, in this room of 200+ strangers I had just become very intimate with, I was the champ.

Oh but it gets better....

After leaving the bar and walking a block in the wrong direction we turn around and are carrying on like a bunch of assholes when this random girl says, "Hey? Aren't you the one who won the orgasm contest? They're looking for you to give you your prize."

There it is. My 15 minutes of (sexual) fame. You know you've made it when random people recognize you on the streets of New York City.

Like they say.... Fake it 'till you make it!


  1. Sounds like Meg Ryan (from that famous When Harry Met Sally scene) ain't got nuthin' on you girl.

  2. I'm pretty sure I'd have died of embarrassment unless super trashed. Kudos for going through with it. Though I don't typically frequent gay bars I do with Miller when I go to Ohio as they have the highest concentration of gays outside of San Fran. Too much fun. The queens in Key West though=epic!! ;) lol. Way to take care of Randy's place while she is gone.

    1. I'm frequented my fair share with my best friend and his husband. I keep begging them to come to NYC for the parade. Now *there's* some blog fodder!

  3. Gay/drag bars are some of the most fun bars I've ever been to, hands down. Granted, I'd never go without my wife - I'm thin, have a stylish hairstyle, and a baby face, so I don't want to send the wrong message - but with her, they are so much fun.

    Congrats on your award winning fake O! So I have to ask... what was the prize??

    1. Sadly nothing fun like a toy or such. I was given a card for brunch for two. Apparently they have a very fun Sunday brunch.

  4. I was going to ask what you won, too, and I'm so disappointed that a drag queen gave you a fucking brunch coupon! Seriously?! He needs to be downgraded to a princess. Maybe even a jester because that's a JOKE!

  5. whew, I need a cigarette and a kleenex.

  6. I think this was the first CTAM post I ever read! And the rest is history...

  7. Now I want to go to a drag bar. I went to a gay bar once...and it was use the bathroom before a concert started nearby. I feel deprived.


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