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Saturday, March 24, 2012

"Oh and by the way...." How minor details aren't always so minor

I'm not exactly sure where to start on this one. So much has transpired since the late night text convo that opened up this Pandora's box of craziness.

As I mentioned in my initial SCF post and in a little more detail in my subsequent comments and Twitter revenge plotting with Michael, Alyssa, and Jewels, I have recently learned of some information regarding my long-standing boy toy/fall back guy, Fireman, that has left me a little out of sorts to say the least.I shouldn't really be surprised, yet I was.

Long story short, he told me he was married. And he had been since last summer.

Well, you know I can't just leave it at that. I knew that there was more to the story than the version I got so I did what any intrepid blogger would do, I researched the shit out of him (and his wife since it took my a minute flat to find out her info) on the interwebz. And within 15 minutes, thanks to a Google search and his wife's very public Facebook page, I had their wedding announcement and entire dating history displayed before me.

Here is what I now know to be fact:
He is indeed married. To his long-time girlfriend. She is really quite cute. Who he dated all through college. They had a big white wedding exactly one week after one of the nights we were together last summer. They had a lovely vacation in the Bahamas. He texted me immediately upon his return from his honeymoon to see me.

Oh yeah, and her current Facebook picture is an ultrasound picture of their BABY!


Yep. There's the kicker....she's pregnant right now. Yet another detail he failed to disclose, even when I specifically asked him about it in our prior text convo, it was just a guess at that point, but he had his chance to come clean and chose again to lie.

What do I do with that??

I was a little beside myself when I started my Twitter expose' on the situation. Luckily my girls had my back and gave some excellent feedback on how to properly punish him for his idiocy and doggery (I made that word up but you get what I mean).

A few ideas that came up:

I could just go dark on him. Cut it off completely without explanation.

I could tell him to fuck off and throw every single detail that I know at him and instruct him to shove it all up his ass just for the satisfaction of letting him know that I now know everything.

Or..... I could ruin his life. One e-mail or phone call to his lovely wife would pretty much put an end to this entire game. I think a billboard was even suggested.

But I can't do that. I don't want to be the one to hurt his wife and their unborn child. I don't have the heart for that.

But he doesn't have to know that I wouldn't really do that right?? I could play it like that was what I was going to do it. Make him sweat it out for a while. But you never know how crazy a desperate person would get and I don't feel like having a hit put out on me to keep me quiet. Hey, you never know....

As I am typing this post, he is texting me like all is well and trying to make plans to see me. He really has no idea of what I know or how exactly I found it all out. He thinks he's still got his bases covered.

Boy will he be surprised.....

Any good revenge ideas?? Any similar experiences (God, I hope not!)? Ever played this game on someone and got away with it (Again, I hope not!)? Help me out here, I'm out of my league on this one!


*Now, as a disclaimer, I understand that his character was shown to be questionable at various points during our...whatever it was. But I thought, all things being equal, we had some solid ground rules that we were playing by and that honesty in that realm was expected. It wasn't that hard, and he made most of them! Silly me, looks like I was the only one with the courtesy to follow them.*

31 comments:

  1. make him sweat...even if you never mean to disclose to his wife...his true colors will come out...and you never know who else he is playing the same game with...what a loser....

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  2. Absolutely make him sweat! FB lets you know who's friends with who these days so give him something like, "So I found out I know your wife..." I'd come all the way to you just to see the reaction on his face!

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    1. You know, the funny thing is that the only one of my friends that has been in on this saga actually does work for the company as his wife and knows who she is. Small world huh?

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  3. I admit that I may have been a little hasty in recommending a #randomsnuggleshivving but I still can't believe he did this shit!

    A week before the wedding! What a complete and total...UGH! no words.

    I agree that destroying his wife & unborn child aren't the way to go but man...if he did it that easily with you he'll do it again, and again, and again. He needs a good freaking scare to stop his ridiculous actions.

    I agree that while he's been shady there was always the expectation that he was at least honest. You knew he wasn't exactly "single" but a girlfriend is different than a pregnant wife! Ugh. He makes me ill.

    I'm on board with whatever it is you feel is right to do because this shouldn't go "unpunished" as it were.

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    1. Thanks for the support sweets, I know that the first response (#randomsnuggleshivving) was really sounding like the best idea at the time, I'm glad I'm not hasty!

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  4. I read your piece this morning and felt compelled to drop you a note. You see I once was the Fireman. It was definitely not the bright spot on the road map of my life but I came away from it a different person than I am today.

    I hope that you will hear me as I offer a brief perspective for your consideration. First of all, I won’t deny – and neither should you – that this is indeed a betrayal of trust and intimacy. There’s simply no way around that.

    Secondly, it’s really not about you – it’s about him. It’s about him as a human person and it’s about him as a man – or the man he could become. You could do several things right now or nothing but whatever you do may or may not help him as a person – as a man to grow up. And he really needs to grow up.

    When I wore the same boots it was the incredible maturity and wisdom of a woman who demonstrated for me why being honest with myself and in my actions was not just the right thing to do but it was the healthy thing to do for my soul. You see, Fireman has a fire on his hands that he can’t put out. Not the kind that warms you but the kind of fire that draws warmth out of you and out of others too.

    Forget the Facebook pages, pictures of the unborn and wedding pictures and all of it. It’s just a projection of a life he wants to live and what he wants it to look like. Looking at his Facebook page is like looking into a dollhouse. It’s pretty but nobody is breathing in there. They don’t dare. Without truth – especially to oneself, all of those pretty pictures we project are hollow – a beautiful but empty house.

    You could hurt him – hurt his wife – and ultimately hurt yourself even more right now. And you could easily find other women – or men perhaps – who have been lied to and wounded and they will help you hurt and punish Fireman for his lack of integrity. But then it will still not be about you but it will be about them – and their past pain – and at the worst everyone will then be in more pain but he still may not grow up. As unpleasant and hurtful as all of this is, I think you have an opportunity here to actually help Fireman become a man. It’s up to you as to what that will look like and then it is up to him as to actually taking those steps.

    One thing that I will firmly advise and it is that that you have to be very firm and absolutely end his supply of sexual intimacy with you. He is probably in some ways very much like a manipulative child who wants that from you and is willing to push every button he can find in you to get sex. Honestly, I would tell him gently but firmly that he is being unfair and unkind to his wife and to the life of his future child and that you simply cannot have any more intimacy with him. If he listens and learns and his behavior begins to change, then it’s a first step for him into maturing. If not and he chooses to continue to live as a boy in a man’s body then he will be gone in a New York minute and look for another woman to deceive. But again – he’s the one with the problem – not you. And again, you have the moment in your hand to take the higher road and show him a view of his problem.

    RG, I’m just a fellow writer – and one who happens to be wizened by whiskey and painfully aware of his own limitations but I hope that you will take this as it was meant – a genuine and heartfelt expression from one who has been there, hurt and now healed. And yet still growing up I’m sure of it.

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    1. TBO, I so very much appreciate you sharing your experience and perspective. You really were the voice of reason for me and pushed me to go the better route, which at this point is not to take any action. I know that I still have to deal with him because he has not gone away but I want to do so in a way that hopefully will help him mature and grow up for the right the reasons, not to push him to do something even dumber out of fear. I'm still mulling over how to make that happen, or if I even can, but I know now that is about him, not me. THANK YOU!

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  5. Tell him you have an STD and he has to tell everyone he's been in contact with!!! That will scare the crap out of him! Asshole that he is. Maybe that would scare him straight? He needs a good scare in my opinion. But then again I'm a Jersey Girl born and raised so it's all about revenge (hahaha).

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    1. Although I like the panic-inducing factor of that idea, I'm not willing to start a rumor about myself like that! Plus, he knows better because I am historically the safety girl through and through! But I like your thinking!

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  6. I have to agree with the others -- make him sweat it out. Though Barb's revenge idea sounds like a good one, too (Jersey represent!). I'm glad that you're not going to 'ruin his life' with that info, because it would ruin his wife and kid's life, too. And the wife--as naive as she is to marry such a dirtbag--doesn't deserve that. You need a cruise missile, not a nuke.

    IMO, he deserves whatever punishment you deserve to dish out--just don't be so quick to overreact. Think on it for a while. Breathe. Plan your revenge carefully. Then rain down the hellfire on that asshole!

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    1. Wow, look at you and your strategic revenge planning suggestions! Remind me to never make you angry!! I like your cruise missile vs. nuke analogy, make sense!

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  7. ugh, what a jerk!

    Having been the wife in this scenario I say make him fear that his entire little happy family bubble is about to burst. If he had been dating her since college he was probably doing the stupid guy, sowing wild oats thing. Maybe it was a one-off? Probably not.

    In reality, I really wish those that knew at the time had told me. It's a terribly crushing blow but can she ever trust him? obviously not. He'll do it again.

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    1. I hate that you have been the wife in this situation. That sucks. I know for a fact that this is not a one off situation. I know of at least 3 other girls throughout the year and a halfish that we have been on and off. It's a habit, a very bad habit, and he is 100% confident that he can get away with it and that there's no chance she'll find out. If it's not me, she will eventually find out, that I know for sure. This city is too small for him to not get caught at some point.

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  8. I certainly appreciate The Blue Orchid's comment, and he obviously is a BETTAH person than I could EVAH hope to be. I'm more like Bouncin' Barb except a bit more redneck. I would buy him a baby gift, and tell him since he's obviously acting like one, he can either choose to play with it himself, or give it to his newborn. 'Nuf said!!!!!!!

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    1. Gawd I love it when you talk like that dahlin. Hmmmm, well how about one of those toddler Lego sets? You could build a little house with it and shoot a short video on your iPhone and send it to him. You know - this is your pretty little house and then smash it up with your fist. Don't even say anything - just the visual will go over like a 500 pound bomb, right?

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    2. Wow, you guys are really outdoing yourselves on the creative front here. Both are excellent ideas!

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    1. I somehow think that me making a sex tape with him would do me more harm than it would do him good, but I like your thinking. If I cared a little less about myself being nekked on the interwebs, which would surely happen, I might do it just for fun.

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    2. A mask would negate that, and nobody would know it was you unless you told them, or you had something discerning about your body/moves that only former lovers would know.

      But then again, just ignore me. A sex tape is my answer for everything.

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  10. Start dropping into conversation people who he will know are friends with his wife....then the STD route...

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    1. I just don't know, I don't want to compound a bad situation with lies that I am in charge of keeping up. I think I know enough truth to get the same point across. Maybe?

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  11. Wow! We have some catching up to do. TBO's response is a good one. Drop it and of course cut him off and out. He has lots of stuff to work out and you don't need to be involved.

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    1. Yes, we do have some catching up to do! I agree that TBO is dishing out some good advice. I have started the effort to cut him out but damn if he isn't persistent. He knows he's losing and he's trying like hell to keep that from happening. He knows the buttons to push with me...

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  12. Text a naked/scantily clad picture of yourself to him some night, and coax him in to coming to get you somewhere...somewhere out of the way, odd, and somewhere you have no intention of being. Then you could two two things. One, you could then go dark forever, right as his horny, "where are you" messages start coming in. Or, you can have someone else waiting for him there that simply says, "she knows everything", and then leaves him to think about that.

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    1. Look at you, you little revenge plotter you! That sounds like a lot of effort for me to essentially tell him to fuck off but it is very dramatic and would be excellent to pull off if I wanted to go to that level of trouble.

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  13. oh randy :( i'm so sorry, hun. jesus christ.

    i think my vote is for going black on him. just cut him out and move on. his own guilty conscience will eat away at him and you won't even have to threaten to tell on him, he'll be sick with worry about that all on his own.

    you're so lovely and deserve so much better. fuck that guy.

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  14. Knowing the good person that you are I knew that you would not take any of the revenge routes, and that makes me very proud.

    On the other hand, there's nothing stopping ME from kicking his ass so badly that his mother feels it...

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  15. How are you? Are you dealing with this okay? I'm so glad to hear you say you won't tell his wife, etc. That's not who you are. And personally, the best revenge is going dark. just cut him off. Tell him you know he's married and that he's a shit for not telling you and that's it. I would have to agree with Kat, she, Jewels and I could go and kick his ass but really, he still cheated with you on his wife That doesn't change anything.

    But I do want to know how you are doing personally. I can imagine that sent you for a loop. xoxo

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  16. WHAT?!

    While commenting on your most recent post I got the feeling I had missed some details about Fireman, so I went back a few posts and

    WHAT?!

    What a horrible person. Poor unborn child. So glad you've ended it.

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  17. First time posting, it's always great to read what the other side is thinking/doing. I love your insights, because without fail you've come to the same conclusions I would have if you put me in heels and used a whole lot less emotional logic. And some flair.

    Not quite as bad *hey there shades of grey right* ( not married, no kids ) A girl who seems much like yourself felt compelled to almost go with option#3( "ruin life", expose with proof ). Just like in Benjamin Button, if you have to start over again so be it. Didn't blink, told her to go right ahead. My gf already knew.

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    1. Thanks for your comment and for spending some time at RG! I'm glad your girl didn't blow up your situation out of spite or hurt, no one wins in that situation. But it could have ended very differently. Then what do you do??

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