Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The 5 Stages of Death & Grief, or when someone realizes their affair is ending

First of all, thank you for all of your support and advice with the recent Fireman tragedy. You guys really are the best and it's nice to know that you have my back whether I decide to plot an epic revenge or take the high road.

I've decided to take the high road. Or at least try to, but it hasn't proven easy up to this point.

Fireman has been relentless. He is texting me all hours of the day and night. His desperation is palpable. I'm not responding. But man, it is so hard to not just let him have a piece of my mind right now!

I've noticed something throughout the course of his texting. He is exhibiting the behavior of one of the few things that I actually recall from all my years of college: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages of Death & Grief or "DABDA" as I used the acronym to remember it for my test.
Denial: "It's fine, this doesn't change anything with us"
Anger: "Oh what? Now you just ignore me? WTF!"
Bargaining: "Just let me come over, I can explain. I promise I won't try anything."
Depression: "Must have finally kicked in, I guess we're done....?"
Acceptance: Still waiting on this part to happen so he can quit texting me and just go away.

You would think after 4 days of one way texting, he would get the picture but he is showing himself to be quite persistent, and I think almost more in disbelief that I would really just go dark on him and completely walk away from our situation. It is totally a matter of his ego at this point. I don't think he enjoys not getting his way.

Poor baby!

Hopefully he takes his newly found free time and invests it into trying to make it up to his wife and his baby on the way. He probably won't, but a girl can hope.

What I do realize, thanks in large part to your advice and wisdom, is that this has nothing to do with me. I can't teach him a lesson or make him want to be a better man. That is on him. The only thing I can do at this point is not enable him to keep me in a situation where I clearly don't belong.


  1. Look at how smart you are. The main thing here is to continue to ignore attempts to contact you. You are right, it isn't about you and you are smart to make sure it stays that way. You walked away and we all know there will be other, better, men in the future for you.

    Kudos on the high road, sweets. :)

  2. Aww girl I am proud of you for standing your ground. It is incredibly difficult to take the high road in these situations and you're a much better person than me for doing so. Perhaps blocking him will be in order if he doesn't figure it out. It's just as difficult to be on the receiving end of these texts floods. It's wearing. Stay strong and head up!

  3. As sweet as revenge would be I appluad you for taking the high road. Even though as I write that I want to tell you to text him a long, end all message that you know everything and think he's a jerk (for lack of better wording). Still, this is clearly stressing him out and bothering him so if he doesn't like the dark, I say keep him there.

  4. Maybe it's time to be frank with him? Tell him this hurt you, it's over, and (for now) you're letting bygones be bygones. If he continues to be a pest about it, you can be a pest too.

    It may get him to back off.

  5. Congrats on taking the high road. When you eventually bump into him in person though remember to keep your cool and not stoop to his level.

  6. This is a hard place to be right now but damn if you aren't playing this through with class. You are sending a clear message without lifting a finger. In fact, you are sending a symbolic silent text that says, "You didn't think enough of me as a person to share some very important life information so I'm no longer going to enable you as a liar." And as much as I appreciate Brandon's insight - which is certainly a natural way to feel - trust me, sending him ANYTHING at this point will be like throwing a net around a charging water buffalo. You WILL NOT be able to grab hold of anything to keep you from going on the nasty ride that will follow. Just trust your instincts and ignore him. He will eventually cease this tantrum. {unless he says something of a veiled or not so veiled threatening nature and then it will be time to call in the calvary girl}. Proud of you darlin.

  7. I admire you!!!! I don't think I would ever have the class to take the high road with that situation. You should be so very proud of yourself for staying strong, resisting temptation and keeping an obviously toxic person out of your life.

  8. Some people just need a house to fall on them to get the point and he sounds like one of them stand tall and stay strong..............

  9. I don't know if you actually want my advice because let's be honest, with a moniker of "Not the Hero" my advice may not actually be the best but I'll give it a go.

    From my understanding you guys had a don't ask don't tell kind of situation. The whole truth was never something you were seeking. It wasn't what you both were in it for.

    You made the assumption that he was pretty much just in it for the no strings attached sex. That is what you liked about the fireman.

    Through circumstance you've come to the knowledge that he is a married man. Has been for a while, on top of the fact that he was cheating on his fiance/girlfriend the entire time you were hooking up. Si?

    The only thing that has changed is you. Your knowledge of the situation has changed. He hasn't. As a man I can tell you this. To him nothing has changed. You didn't care if he was cheating before, you didn't want to know. So why do you care now?

    So what do you do now that you do know? Well that is up to you. Honestly if you had taken the route of ruining him and destroying his life I'd have been a little disappointed. Who are you to cast your values on him? Just because he is an adulterer doesn't mean you have the right to take the new found knowledge and destroy his life. Since when are you the moral police.

    I know you could say but if I was in HER shoes I'd want to know. Who wouldn't, but it isn't your place as the mistress to do so, especially an ignorant mistress at that.

    Instead you've chosen to do the black out method. Congratulations, that is almost the highest road you could take. Instead what you should do, and this is where my advice comes in, is tell him how you feel.

    Tell him straight up that, now that you know he is a married/attached man that you don't feel comfortable with being the girl on the side, or place he can come to get his rocks off.

    I guarantee that if you just tell him that you're not into enabling his adulterous behavior he'll back off and be out of your life. He won't change, but telling the wife won't change him either it will just make "them" miserable, and to be honest "they" haven't done anything to you.

    The only thing your out is a fuck buddy.

    1. You are exactly right Hero, on almost all counts. It wasn't don't ask, don't tell, we were working under the full disclosure since neither of us had anything invested, there was nothing to lose but calling it off for a while or forever, whichever the situation dictated. I stuck to this agreement. He obviously was not close to being up front when he pursued me, which he did, relentlessly, from the beginning.
      It was all fun and games until it wasn't, which was last week.
      I completely see your point about how nothing has changed for him. The only thing that changed at all is that now I know that I didn't know before. But that really changes everything, at least for me. But I understand that it's a one sided revelations as he knew about it all along and was obviously very much at peace about his role in the situation. I think that says a lot about who I'm dealing with here.
      I'm certainly not the morality police, let's be honest, I have not ground to stand on and even less now that I know what I have been enabling for the last year.
      He's back to the angry stage now so I'm thinking that just telling him straight out that I know it hasn't changed for him but it has for me and that it has to stop might be the route to go. He'll find someone else that he can screw around with, I'm certain of that.
      I appreciate your feedback Hero, you are a good guy!

  10. Well, to his credit I can't blame him for having good taste and wanting to keep you.

    Stay strong, my love, and if you need an ear to vent or anything you know where to find me.

  11. did he really get mad at you for not answering his texts??? as in, "yes, i may have cheated on my wife and lied to you about being married, but i least i answer my goddamn text messages!"


  12. For what it's worth, I think you're making exactly the right decision on this.


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