So here is how this one started. On "Freaky Friday", you know the on Friday where everyone on your blogroll was posting about porn? Yeah, that one. Simple Dude had started the ball rolling with a post on a study that looked at the impact of internet porn watching vs. actual sex in regards to men. It was pretty good stuff. I, in my usual overly blunt way shared the following comment to his post:
Random Girl said...
In my formerly married life, I had many a knock down fight with the Ex over his internet porn situation. I took the offended wife position of "I must not be enough for you" he was like "I'm just killing time". And so on and so forth. It was a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Some guys use porn because that can't it at home, some guys don't get it at home because they use porn.. and piss off the real life vagina they have access to. His loss. Now I'm much more relaxed on the topic. I say, if it gets you off but you still get me off, we are ok. Life is much easier now.
Random Girl said...
Oh and no, you can't do a post about real life pissed off vagina access, I'm already working on that one...
And so now I have to make good on my promise, and deliver a post about the pissed off vagina situation. Me and my big F'ing mouth.
Here is the basic breakdown. Ladies, you have all had one and Men, you have probably all had to stare into the cold, frightening face of one. It's the classic case scenario. Usually we all get along just fine, me, my vagina, and my man. But there are those moments of male stupidity that really force the pissed off vagina to rear its ugly...um... head.?. It becomes an angry force unto itself and is officially in charge until said foul is amended for by said man. The ladies really have no choice in this battle, she is outvoted by a much more powerful force.
The pissed off vagina basically goes into complete shut down mode until it feels properly vindicated. Which to make it simple for you guys out there still reading this, means don't even think about it. Literally, no thinking about it. Or touching it. Or having sex with it. Or thinking about it. It is NOT happening.
There's no easy way out of (or into) this one boys. The only effective strategy is to go into complete kiss-ass mode with the owner lady of the pissed off vagina. She has some pull in this situation and the only way that you are going to make a pissed off vagina play nice again, is to win over her owner lady. There is no other way to do it.
This is no easy feat and is not to be taken lightly. We are talking no holds barred here boys: admitting you were wrong, admitting she was right, promising to NEVER do again what is was you did to create the pissed off vagina in the first place. Really, complete begging and/or groveling may be required at this point. You have two choices: do it, or never get laid again or at least not any time in the foreseeable future.
Choose wisely boys, the pissed off vagina has a very very long memory and can make you pay for it much longer than you would think possible if her owner lady is handy. Pun intended. But I'm not joking. And you know I'm right.
So there you have it boys and girls, the pissed off vagina post, just as I promised.