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Monday, February 28, 2011

The Pissed Off Vagina Post

I know, I know.... first "Shut Up and Pull My Hair" and now this. But Monday's usually suck so I thought I would just dive right in and kick this one off in style.  Although, I fear I may be giving you all the wrong idea about me. Or maybe it's the right idea and I am in just in denial... yeah, that's probably it.

So here is how this one started. On "Freaky Friday", you know the on Friday where everyone on your blogroll was posting about porn? Yeah, that one. Simple Dude had started the ball rolling with a post on a study that looked at the impact of internet porn watching vs. actual sex in regards to men. It was pretty good stuff. I, in my usual overly blunt way shared the following comment to his post:
Random Girl said...
In my formerly married life, I had many a knock down fight with the Ex over his internet porn situation. I took the offended wife position of "I must not be enough for you" he was like "I'm just killing time". And so on and so forth. It was a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Some guys use porn because that can't it at home, some guys don't get it at home because they use porn.. and piss off the real life vagina they have access to. His loss. Now I'm much more relaxed on the topic. I say, if it gets you off but you still get me off, we are ok. Life is much easier now.



Random Girl said...
Oh and no, you can't do a post about real life pissed off vagina access, I'm already working on that one...


And so now I have to make good on my promise, and deliver a post about the pissed off vagina situation. Me and my big F'ing mouth. 

Here is the basic breakdown. Ladies, you have all had one and Men, you have probably all had to stare into the cold, frightening face of one. It's the classic case scenario. Usually we all get along just fine, me, my vagina, and my man. But there are those moments of male stupidity that really force the pissed off vagina to rear its ugly...um... head.?.  It becomes an angry force unto itself and is officially in charge until said foul is amended for by said man. The ladies really have no choice in this battle, she is outvoted by a much more powerful force.  

The pissed off vagina basically goes into complete shut down mode until it feels properly vindicated. Which to make it simple for you guys out there still reading this, means don't even think about it. Literally, no thinking about it. Or touching it. Or having sex with it. Or thinking about it. It is NOT happening. 

There's no easy way out of (or into) this one boys. The only effective strategy is to go into complete kiss-ass mode with the owner lady of the pissed off vagina. She has some pull in this situation and the only way that you are going to make a pissed off vagina play nice again, is to win over her owner lady. There is no other way to do it. 

This is no easy feat and is not to be taken lightly. We are talking no holds barred here boys: admitting you were wrong, admitting she was right, promising to NEVER do again what is was you did to create the pissed off vagina in the first place. Really, complete begging and/or groveling may be required at this point. You have two choices: do it, or never get laid again or at least not any time in the foreseeable future. 

Choose wisely boys, the pissed off vagina has a very very long memory and can make you pay for it much longer than you would think possible if her owner lady is handy. Pun intended. But I'm not joking. And you know I'm right. 

So there you have it boys and girls, the pissed off vagina post, just as I promised. 

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sunday Funday - A little "swagga" for your weekend wrap up

Hey it's Sunday. You are lucky you are getting anything from me... yawn...

A) I don't feel like being creative and doing an original post today
B) I love this song (I can't help it, it has Lil' Wayne on it and you kids know my Lil' Wayne love thing)
C) Angie Martinez nails the hardest part ala Busta Rhymes flawlessly while counting money and eating Chinese food - she is officially my new hero
D) The delivery man swags harder than just about anyone I have ever seen.
E) I love everything about this clip. Period.

Excuse the language, but it's too awesome not to pimp this.

You are welcome.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Shut Up and Pull My Hair....... please!

Maybe it was all the porn-related postings on "Freaky Friday" as I have now dubbed it or maybe it is just that I feel like you kids know me well enough now to be a little more open with you all.

Either way, here goes...

If there was one thing I could say that would sum up how I best liked to be "loved", it would have to, beyond any doubt, be "Shut Up and Pull My Hair!"

That can be taken literally.

My favorite single bestie and I were lamenting one evening over how complicated guys make it with us. We are not that complicated. If you pay attention even a little bit, you should have a clue. But many don't. We need a T-shirt with that simple instruction on it. Life would be so much easier.

Let me break it down for you. It's about finding the right mix of anticipation and aggression. Once you have been green-lighted, and you will know if you have been green-lighted (trust me on that), it's time to handle it.

I don't want to be asked if you can kiss me. I want you to look at me, really look at me, like a look that tells me I am about to be in very big trouble. Then I want you to push me up against the wall, pin my hands above my head, and kiss me like you mean it. If I respond favorably, and I most likely will to a kiss like that, keep doing it. And feel free to run your hands through my hair and give it a nice firm, prolonged tug. No really. Do it please.

It's that easy, really. A kiss like that leaves no room for questions or shyness. The intentions are clear.

That friends, is what the "Shut Up and Pull My Hair" sentiment is really all about.

I have to put the disclaimer out there that this approach may not be appropriate for all women.  And never, under any circumstances, consider doing this if the green-light moment has not arrived. This could scare the shit of a meek and mild manner second-virginity type of lady and I don't want to be responsible for that so use your very best judgement ok guys? And, when in doubt or if totally clueless, ask her how she likes to be kissed.

But, and I think you ladies will agree (since most of you are fellow freaks in the blogworld), most women really want to be kissed like this and the rewards will be very....enjoyable...  for you men brave enough to just "Shut Up and Pull My Hair".

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Guys and ladies alike. Don't be shy kids....

Photocredit: http://www.123rf.com/photo_884737_portrait-of-a-young-couple-kissing-and-hugging.html

Friday, February 25, 2011

Soft-core Friday - A softer side of freak?

I have been doing Soft-core Friday for the last few weeks and have...umm... really enjoyed it! Hope you have too. Although today, I feel like I am behind the curve since there is already a lot of Friday porn going on with my fellow bloggers including Cinderita, Simple Dude, and Jewelsturning30. Cabin fever must be setting in because we are all getting a  little hot and bothered by the end of this week.
This week's Soft-core Friday is compliments of Robin Thicke. I'm feeling a little less "push me up against the wall" and a little more "let's make love" today for some reason. Very odd for me because usually, I am all about the "shut up and pull my hair" philosophy. Just a little bit of trivia about me for you kids to enjoy. Even freaky girls can enjoy a little romance once in a while I guess. What's your preference? Let me know kids... I'm curious...

If the Video won't load from here, check it on YouTube: Robin Thicke Lost without U

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Size Matters (And no, it's not what you think)

I would be lying if I said that size doesn't matter. It does. But not in the way that you gutter-minded kids are thinking. Let me explain.
I am 5'9". I have been 5'9" since I was 11 years old. Growing up, I was always the tallest girl in my class. From Kindergarten on, I was always on the back set of risers for choir, the end of the line when it was the day to line up by shortest to tallest, even taller than the boys. Other than getting to be the star on the 3rd grade Christmas program when the tree shape was created by the shortest kids in class being the trunk and tallest getting to be the star, there were few times that being the tallest girl in any given setting had made me shine.
It wasn't until Jr. High when a few of the boys finally got their growth spurts and surpassed me. Thank God, because slow dancing to "High Enough" by Damn Yankees with someone shorter than me would have been horrifying for sure.
With the exception of 2 other girls, I remained the tallest girl in my class throughout High School. As a girl with no lack of self-doubt for a myriad of reasons at that point, I hated being so tall. Most of my girlfriends were barely over 5'4" on their tallest day so not only was I tall on my own, but very tall in comparison to them. I obsessively wore flats, slouched a lot, and hoped that I would appear less tall. I know, probably not so likely to happen but a teenage girl could dream right?
As I grew older and more confident, I began to see that my height was actually a good thing and I embraced it with enthusiasm. I was still usually the tallest girl in any given room but I saw that it set me apart from the crowd, drew attention to me, and gave me a chance to get the first looks.
In my professional career, when I walk into a meeting room or speak at a conference, I command the stage and get the audiences attention, more so because of my confidence, but also because of my presence and stature. In a business environment comprised primarily of men, the fact that I can stand eye to eye with most of them puts me on a more level playing field, at least in my own mind. Either way, I have a confidence now to accompany my 5'9" self, usually and even 6' in my heels.
When it comes to dating, that is where I still get hung up on my height. I always joke with my friends that there is a "short guy epidemic" in my city. Sad but true. I purposely wear my highest heels when I go out and I call them "the qualifier", similar to the posts at the entry gates to any good roller coaster that indicates "You must be at least this tall to ride this ride".  If you aren't at least as tall as me when I am in my heels, move along please.
I understand that it is a very superficial attribute on which to judge potential. I am not proud of myself for being hung up on that specific thing. I blame it on my insecurities from my childhood coming back. I know a lot of really great, attractive guys that are shorter than me so I know that I am missing out on a potentially great relationship because of my stupid hang up that I shouldn't be taller than the guy I am with. I can't help it. It makes me self-conscience and takes away the joy of wearing heels for me, which really is a shame because I have a fantastic collection of high heels and wearing them makes me feel my sexiest. I feel like I would be short changing someone if I didn't come out as my sexiest, fearless self because of a silly insecurity brought on by something they have absolutely no control over.
 I understand,  I don't need taller guys, I need more self-confidence. Just not sure how to get there.
Do you have any hang-ups? Scarred by your childhood?  Tell me about it kids, I'm here to learn!
ps. pic is not me, but you get the idea...lol

Monday, February 21, 2011

Celebrating Presidents Day - Who Needs a Parade?



Of all the random holidays to garner me a day off of work, I had the lowest of low expectations for this Presidents Day. I had planned on trying to maximize the day off with a trip to the spa, but it was not to be. The combination of an unexpected ice storm and overbooked massage therapists left me high and dry.  I decided to be productive instead. I cleaned the house and worked out. Now what?

I was settling in to spend some time online reading all of you lovely people's blog posts from the weekend, when who should call me? Fireman. He was done pouting over being bumped off the schedule by "The Man" on Friday and had managed to survive his night out at the strip clubs with his little brother with only getting kicked out of one and not arrested. (If you missed that drama, check out the Double Booked Friday post)

Fireman was excited to learn that I indeed had the day off and an empty house as he was needing to see me during his lunch hour. His words, not mine. My day was definitely looking up. It had been far too long since my last lunch time tryst so I was happy to oblige. He made remarkable time for coming from the other side of of the city in an ice storm but when that boy gets his mind set on something there is nothing stopping him. I guess that's why he makes a good rescue hero.


He had explicit instructions on how he wanted things to be upon his arrival. I gladly accommodated those requests. He is getting a little more assertive the longer we are together and I am finding it to be much a turn on for me. He was downright bossy today. I liked it.


We didn't have a lot of time as he had to get back to the firehouse for the rest of his shift but we managed to make the most of the time that we had. My not-so-exciting day turned around in an unexpectedly pleasant way.  My hats off to the Presidents for making that moment possible. Who needs a parade when a girl has a Fireman? God Bless America!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

How to Shut It Down, the power of "The Face"

There have been few times in my life that I have seen something so relevant, so pointed, so genius, that it literally as Oprah would say "shakes me to my core". This ladies and gentleman, is one of those times.
I cannot tell you the number of times that my friends and I have been "dance raped" as she so eloquently puts it and if I had only known then the power "the face" could have, I would be a different person today.
This should be a public service announcement. For real.
Ladies, pay attention.



Thanks to Jewels at Jewels Turning 30 for bringing this to the light of day. You should follow Jewels, she has GPS and can get you there safely.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Double Booked Friday

Friday night was not shaping up to be stellar based on how it started. Fireman was chaperoning his younger brother and a friend at the local strip bars (he's 24, that's what they do I hear) but texted me continually to let me know that those girls have nothing on me. He says the sweetest things to me...sigh., what a charmer right? We had tentative plans for him to come my way at the end of the night but he kept throwing at the disclaimer that he couldn't promise anything which usually means it's not happening. I assumed he would get drunk and that would be the end of it. As of 11, that is what it was looking like.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
My plans with "The Man" had once again failed to materialize. Deciding that enough was enough, I opened up the long overdue conversation. It went surprisingly well. We talked on the phone for quite a while and got a much better feel for where we fit into each other's situations. I told him I don't want a serious relationship and I know that I am not the girl or the situation that he sees for himself longterm and that is fine but I do still expect a certain amount of courtesy and respect if I am going to invest in him for whatever amount of time. He clarified quite a few things for me as far as where he is at and we both came to the conclusion that we wanted to continue in some sort of relationship and that it was ok to just be undefined. We both realized we were home, in bed early, on a perfectly good Friday night. He decided he was coming over. That's when things got interesting.
Shortly after he told me he was coming over, Fireman decided he needed to see me as well. So I went from a quiet evening at home by myself to a scheduling conflict that I was ill-prepared for. "The Man" was already on his way, which gave me 15 minutes to figure out a way to call off Fireman. He was not taking no for answer. Finally, I just told Fireman that the other one was on his way. Fireman had full disclosure from the very beginning of "The Man" and how things would be prioritized so he wasn't surprised. He was actually a good sport about it. Except for the fact that he thought it would be hysterical to continue to text me relentlessly through the night in an attempt to cock-block "The Man".
"The Man" on the other hand, does not know about Fireman. Nor does he need to. I has nothing to do with him and I or our situation. He was slightly annoyed at the continual phone interruptions, even the blinking light annoyed him so I eventually turned it off completely so we could focus on enjoying ourselves without further interruption. A small part of me was worried that Fireman in his usual mischievous mood, would think it cute to show up at my house knowing full well that I already had company. Luckily, he thought better of it.
In the end, "The Man" and I had a lovely evening. We talked more, laughed a lot, and had amazing sex with an unusually intense sense of urgency. Maybe the thought of losing each other is what we needed to make us appreciate each other just a little more.
Ever find yourself double booked? How did you handle it? Tell me about it kids!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Soft-core Friday takes a...harder... turn

Ok kids, I am posting my Soft-Core Friday fun a little early because, well, because the sun is shining, it's the Friday of a 3-day weekend for me, and my Sweet Kat wrote this genius piece so I had nothing really to do with it.
Be prepared to have your buttons popped kids, this piece is HOT! Thanks for letting me share it Kat!
Read it HERE.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Please slap me if......

.....my first response to my daughter's leaked sex tape (or something equally as devastating) would ever be "How can we make the most possible money off of  this?" I don't usually rant but I can't really let this one go so thank you in advance for hearing me out.

I have seen mentioned on several occasions today alone, the genius of one mother's business mind for taking her daughter's sex tape and finding a way to make the most money possible on it. They referred to it as "building her brand". Correct me if I am wrong but is that not the definition of parent pimp?

I am all for being proud of what your kids have accomplished. Taking first place in a sporting event or science fair, being on the Dean's list, discovering a cure for some wretched disease, but making a sex tape? Really? This is your shining moment as a parent?

Don't get me wrong, if you want to make a sex tape, go for it. Just know that if it gets leaked by some skeezy ex-boyfriend, your mom may want to mass market it for a significant profit. Because really, isn't it every mother's dream to be able to say they got rich off of selling their daughter's dignity?

Call me crazy, but my first instinct would be to protect and shield her from the exposure, not exploit her and build a brand out of it. I guess every mother has their own idea about things like that.

So while she is touted as a business genius, and her "brand building" strategies are being applauded, I will just thank my lucky stars that I have a mother that would care more about me than her bank account and sleep well knowing that I follow in her footsteps.

Thanks Mom!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

"Two Sides"

I'm feeling reflective today, what can I say? More action packed Random Girl entries coming soon, but just something to think about in the meantime. I wrote this 5/8/10, but it's coming back to me strongly today. 

"TWO SIDES"
There are two sides to me
The same but very much different
One is all she can be
One very much isn't
The first, strong and smart with all the potential
The second, impulsive and foolish but very influential
I'm a great mother, good daughter, best friend
She's fun, sexy, fearless, and not afraid to go all in
Measured and steady, honest and true
Reckless and tempting, manipulative too
The first one you would call when your world crashes down
The last one you don't want to miss when she comes to town
Equal and opposite
Which one will you get?
Which one do you want?
Because I can be both
Each one takes a turn
One builds while one burns
One hides while the other seeks
Turns away, unable to meet
The gaze of the other, but she knows
The story of the other
The secrets she hides
The games and the lies
The smoke and the mirrors,
Make pretty and cover up
But the true image remains
Burned in truth like a stain
Of hurt and deceit and the real turning false
The light and the love, the dark and the loss
Is there a choice between truth and lies?
No, I don't think so, at least not seen through my eyes
Maybe it's all truth, both are equal and real
But that means I am what I am, I feel what I feel
Who would want that? To be what you are?
I'm just fucked up me, not a saint or a star
Imperfect and flawed
Not shiny and new
I can't be like you
And I'm not any of those things
I'm all and I'm nothing

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Phoning It In vs. Showing Up: And the winner is.....

Yesterday I posted at www.randomgirlblog.com about expectations in relationships and how setting your expectations appropriately can determine your level of satisfaction,  not just on Vday, but on any day. I set my expectations pretty spot on for yesterday. I would get a nice non-committal text from "The Man", and a series of porn texts from Fireman. Neither disappointed. That is exactly what I got from both.

What I was not expecting was the follow up. "The Man" called me, twice. We spoke for a while each time and at one point he went so far as to tell me how grateful he was to have me in his life. He sounded quite sincere and for a guy that never gives me any form of verbal validation, it was nice to hear. No plans to see me, last night or otherwise, just a long conversation centered mainly around him and his weekend of out of town partying (which I didn't get an invite to) which was no surprise to me. I just say "uh huh" and "oh really" at the appropriate times which seems to count as conversation to him. He phoned it in. And that, as usual, was good enough for him.

The follow up from Fireman was quite different. After texting pretty much the entire day, I had expected that I would not hear from him again that night. I was wrong. He sent me a text while I was on the phone with "The Man" that he wanted to come over. He would be able to get off his shift at the fire department a little early and he was headed my way. Was this ok he asked. OK? It was more than ok.

He came over late but was not short on enthusiasm for me. The one thing I love about this guy is that he is so eager to be with me and never takes a minute we spend together for granted. He is also excellent at following instructions which makes us both very happy. To him, my value is unmeasurable and unquestioned. Maybe it is because we have such strict confines on what part of our life we share and in what realm that sharing happens but for me it is quality of involvement vs. scope of involvement and we have quality down without a question. And he showed up for me because he wanted to, not because I asked him to.

When it comes to phoning it in vs. showing up the decision is not a hard one for me in this case or nearly any other. It is ease vs.effort. Convenience vs. connection. Not there vs. completely there. Outside looking in vs. inside me. It's "your not worth my time" vs. "there is nothing more worthwhile". It's an easy decision: the winner shows up.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Technically Challenged? Yes I am!

I have a lovely, somewhat scandalous blog going at www.randomgirlblog.com  and am not quite techinically brilliant enough to figure out how to duplicate said blog here. Go find it...you know you want to!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

randomgirlblog.com

At the advice of my way smarter blogging friends, I will start sharing my Random Girl rants with you lovely people of blogger land. I just have to figure out exactly how to do that.
In the mean time, check out www.randomgirlblog.com  to keep up!