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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dating Site Profiles: When is it time to take it down?

Ok kids, I need your help sorting this one out!

As you know, I have recently found myself in a not-so-non-relationship with the Twin. It is still at this point undefined technically yet we are both actively making plans for "us" (including the princess and the puppy) well into the end of this year so I believe that there clearly is the intention on each of our parts of keeping the other one around for a minute.

We met on an on-line dating site. Nothing new about that. But at what point should the dating profiles be expected to come down? Or does it matter?

For me, I know how I am. I get easily distracted by shiny things. To leave the door to additional temptation open given my history with boy toys and the like, was not something that would be constructive for me to do while attempting to seriously consider giving it a go with one particular person.

So I deleted my profile. Not so much for him, but more so for me. He didn't ask me to, and I didn't tell him I did. I just did it because it was the right thing for me to do.

He still has his online. And he is online almost every day on it. And no I'm not a stalker (at least I won't admit I am), I'm just curious and have too much time on my hands.

The question is, should I care? Does it matter?

I don't know.

What I do know is that, at least when we met on there, he had the intention of actively engaging with women, at the very least with me which he now does offline so I know that's not the reason anymore, and actually goes out with people he meets on there.

I don't like to make assumptions or jump to conclusions. I also don't like to ask questions I'm not entitled to have an answers to. So I'm kind of stuck.

I know I must like this guy because I care enough to do a post about something like this. I'm not insecure in general and specifically with our situation right now, I'm really happy. I guess I'm afraid of losing that happiness or being played. I'm not naive enough to think it couldn't happen. But I'm also not cynical enough to presume it will.

Any advice on this one??

13 comments:

  1. Let me first just say, I get your attitude toward the whole thing. You're trying to be really mature and laid back about it and wanting to give him his space, which I commend.

    In my experience, however, I've let a relationship die because I was TOO hands off. I didn't fight for what I wanted or ask for accountability for his support of my wants or feelings. What I thought might be "nagging" was really the kind of communication necessary to make our stuff work.

    All that to say, I'd be much more vested in this area if I were you. At the very least, I'd have a frank conversation along the lines of, "Hey, no pressure or anything, but I took my profile down because I'm committed to making this work between us. Is there any reason why you may not feel comfortable doing the same?" You don't have to be pushy or whiny about it (and I doubt you would). I've found, though, that sometimes it's better just to KNOW what your partner is thinking, instead of assuming.

    Playing it cool is great, just be sure that what you think is "playing it cool" isn't really a lack of communication about what you want or what you're really feeling.

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  2. I have nothing here. I had a guy get angry at me once for going onto a dating site to check my messages after only 1 date. I had another guy I got a upset with after 6 months of being together who went on still. I think it varies depending on the people, their expectations, how they have communicated their intentions and thoughts on the "not so non-relationship", etc.

    It is a hard place and you may not have a right to the answer but that doesn't mean you don't want to ask...and that wanting to ask can eat at you until it turns to anger and resentment. I guess all I can say is that I would probably mention something to avoid that happening. Now what or how I would say it is a whole other question.

    Good Luck

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  3. I'm going with TNR's "just talk to him" advice. Does he have a good reason? I know sometimes my boyfriend and I wander through those profiles for a laugh, and we've been together for somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 years now.

    If you're that worried, I would at least see if he is open to logging out and STAYING logged out for a while, even if he doesn't want to outright delete his profile. Or, perhaps, clarify if he's on the same level you are with wanting to be exclusive. It might be a simple miscommunication.

    I certainly wouldn't just do nothing, though. Not necessarily because he's hunting for another girl or something, but because if you don't say anything, those thoughts and worries are just going to fester, and eventually they're going to manifest in some way or another. Best deal with them as they come.

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  4. If you have taken yours down then he should take his down that is just my thought on it.....to me it just seems the right thing to do.

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  5. I think it's awesome. Thanks for asking what we think or would do. Here's what I would do: I would ask him where he's at. Not a relationship type of conversation, but just let him know that you've taken your profile down and that you know he didn't ask you to nor will you ask him to, but you would love to know where he's at. That's what I would do. So finding out if you're both on the same page, without having to ask all the hard questions. Easy right? lol

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  6. Since you two are making plans for all four of you, then I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him about his profile. You have an excellent way with words, my darling, and I think that you would be able to ask Twin about it without sounding possessive or clingy. This also sets a precedent for how you two communicate in the future when something is bother either of you.

    That aside, I'm so very happy that you are happy, dear one.~

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  7. I agree with the others that you should speak to him about it. This way you can gugue where he's at, especially if you both are making any type of future plans. How long have you two been together? I would say anything over 6 months and the online sites should be deactivated or deleted completely.

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  8. i agree that there's a fine line between maintaining enough space so as not to be clingy, and being too distant in your communication. if it were me, i'd be a little upset if he were still actively using his profile and seeking other dates, especially because you've brought him into your daughter's life. that's a big factor in my mind, and because of that, it's 100% reasonable for you to bring up the subject just to see that you guys are on the same page. there's no need for a "where is this going?" conversation just yet, since you two seem to have a sort of unspoken understanding. but it can't hurt to mention to him, in a totally casual conversation, that you've taken your profile down for your own reasons and just want to know what he thinks of doing the same, or at least of not using the service as much. you're completely entitled to know where you stand with someone you're dating, especially when there are other people (the Princess) involved

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  9. I think the fact that's he's on there almost daily is saying something. You need to speak your mind. He's not a mind reader nor should you be one either. Get it out in the open. Saves a lot of hurt down the road if it turns out you're not on the same path.

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  10. This is such a great question. The answer really depends on two people which is why it's so hard to know what is right, much less figure out how much you care. So, I recommend you send him your blog - copy and paste it in an email if he's not privy to the fun here.

    Transparency darling. Get it out there so you both know how the other feels.

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  11. I love you so I'm going to tell you straight - if he's serious about you his profile would have either come down by now or he wouldn't actually be using it.
    I'm not a fly-on-the-wall at your conversations but if he's met Princess that's BIG and once kids are involved there's a level of maturity that both adults must adopt with the quickness.

    I'm not entirely sure about this dudes motives. I wouldn't ask about his 'dating profile' but I'd ask if he's seeing other people in a separate conversation. If he asks why, then I'd simply tell the truth - "You're a wonderful man, my daugther likes you ..."

    You can fill in the blanks.

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  12. You guys never disappoint! I know I was asking the right people about this. So much great advice so I truly thank you the great suggestions on how to approach it. The vote seems to be overwhelmingly "YES" that I need to bring it up in some way, and I agree especially because he has had the privilege of meeting the Princess and that is not something that I take lightly in any way. We have plans all weekend so I guess there is no reason to not man up and ask the question. Wish me luck!
    @Wow: that's a negative on the showing him my blog, we are not there yet. A girl has to have a little mystery right??
    @Stefan: thank you for your honesty.I know you always will give it to me straight whether I want to hear it or not, and the points you bring up are the very things that have been driving my concern in the first place so I know you get it. Thank you!!

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  13. I agree with Stefan 100%. When I got into an exclusive relationship with The Mrs., there were a lot of things that I stopped doing. Not because I was trying not to disrespect her, but because I no longer wanted to do them. She was my only focus and all of my single man lifestyle hobbies became a thing of the past. I wish you luck on whatever you decide to do.

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