Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Relationship Math: Working on a Points System

Here's my theory: every romantic relationship works on a complex points system whereas good deeds = positive points and annoying things = negative points.

True or False?

I say true.

Whether you admit it or not, male or female, you have a super secret tally sheet in your head where you keep track of hash marks in the column for "things he/she does right and/or that make me feel good" and a column for "things he/she does wrong or that pisses me off".

I do. Only it's not super-secret. I put it right out there verbally, usually in a joking manner as situations present themselves, but I put it out there none the less. No shame in my game. I don't think there is any point trying to pretend that I don't have some sort of system of keeping track of my overall satisfaction or concern with a relationship at any given point of time. And I always have ample evidence and specific examples of why I am giving credit or deducting a point.

And he does too. And I know it. And we can reference it and have a good laugh over "scoring points" or "getting demerits" in a humorous way while still knowing that what we do and how we act towards each other is important and that it does matter.

It's not about holding a grudge or trying to impress one another, it's about keeping each other accountable for being considerate and thoughtful, working hard at making each other happy, and keeping a sense of play and humor to the ups and downs that naturally occur when you are trying to do life with someone on a fairly regular basis.

Do you have a system of "keeping score"? Is it super secret or widely acknowledged in your relationship?

Credit needs to go to my buddy Brandon at Lost In Idaho for putting this post idea in my head. He left a great comment on my Next Level post and brought up the points system... you can blame thank him for this one!


  1. To the men that suffer every day because of the points system, I am sorry for being the inspirational salt for your relationship wounds.

    I work like the money doesn't matter. I love like there are no points. In both aspects, it works for me. If the points matter, you're racking up too many negatives.

  2. Awww, I think my baby's going to fall in love soon. Bless!

  3. I don't have a points system per se, but I do notice little things that I pay attention to.

  4. I have a very complex system of weighing a significant others pros and cons so I can logically determine how they're fairing in the grand spreadsheet o' relationships.

    Of course, I then completely ignore all the thought I've put into this determination and go with how my gut or my heart feels about this person.

  5. I'm over-analytical, so I'm more working on the NOT having a points system. Instead of doing the "Is this forever? Are we forever?" calculations which I'm prone to do, I'm working on asking "Am I happy?" at the end of each day-- if I am, the relationship is perfectly on track.

  6. i'm not sure if i do the points thingy. i'll have to look out for it. if i do do it, though, i'd want to do it just like you do - honestly and with a sense of humor ;)

  7. I put my points and deductions right out in the open. As in "you just earned a point for that" or vice versa. We both do it and it's fun and light-hearted. As you said, "...while still knowing that what we do and how we act towards each other is important and that it does matter."

  8. Anyone (male or female) who doesn't keep some kind of compatibility score is lying to themselves. Everyone does it. If we didn't "score" the people we date we would never leave them...or date...we'd just be in relationships all stupidly ignorant to the things that don't work.

    Anyway...on a fun level I love it. I think it's cute and fun when not done in a mean spirited way. For example I used to love giving out scores for home cooked meals to determine what would & wouldn't be tried again, in the bedroom for new things we tried...the list goes on and on. It's not always a bad thing.


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