Thursday, September 8, 2011

Do you have to sacrifice lust to have love?

I had some really interesting conversations with several people today. It really fucked with my productivity but it was good for my mind and for my heart so I consider it a day of "personal development" as I'm sure somehow I have become a better functioning part of the corporate machine somehow because of it.

I can spin things pretty well huh??  Plus I still kicked ass on the project calls I had to lead so really no one that would care is any the wiser. I need a cape because I am a multi-tasking superhero!

One of the more interesting conversations I had today was with my buddy @dillonheins and really got me thinking on this particular question: How does someone that thrives on lust let themselves fall in love? And, almost as important, can they stay faithful to someone that is OK sexually but they don't lust after them necessarily?

Without even realizing it, this was one of the questions that I had been pondering for some time in the back of my mind. I just needed someone else to ask it to make it click for me. A question that has made me hesitant to pursue an exclusive, monogamous relationship. Would the security of a relationship fulfill me as much as a thrill of great sex? Up to this point I have been doubtful, but after the "summer of dialing it back" I am reconsidering my position on the topic.

One of the things that I, and apparently other people wired very much like me, are worried about is that once we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who we could potentially love, how do we satisfy the part of us that needs to be wanted, pursued, and lusted after by (potentially) many as opposed to just being loved by a single person?

There is something to be said for being able to have what you want when you want it and not have to worry about normalcy and monotony setting in. Being able to see someone that you want, pursue them, and have them up against the wall in a dimly lit hallway by the end of the night, then walking away without any guilt or obligation. You can be selfish and impulsive, and that can be fun.

There is also something to be said for the security of having someone that loves you unconditionally, wakes up beside you and wants you, bedhead and morning breath and all. Knowing that someone has your back after a bad day, can make the most mundane things enjoyable, and will be there for you when your dog dies. Familiarity and trust can make for great sex, I know this first hand, but you can't just make them leave afterwards and you are always obligated to see them again.

It can be a scary thing for someone to "give up" the freedom of endless possibilities and variety and lieu of security and love, especially when that person has grown accustomed to indulging in lust as opposed to existing in love. To a person like that (like me), those two scenarios seem like polar opposites.

How do I know that I could do the "love" thing, and not miss the "lust" thing? Or worse yet, how do I know that I won't really want the love thing and screw it up by falling back into the pursuit of lust?

As you have figured out, I have way more questions than I have answers and I don't see that changing any time soon. Just thought I would put it out there for your words of wisdom (or warning). And no, this isn't something I need to figure out today or anything... I'm just thinking out loud here for future reference.


  1. Oh..I think perhaps we've started to share a brain. This is the question that keeps me up at night. I'm afraid that I can't have both, so I am paralyzed in reaching for any of it. I'm having really great sex right now..and there's a whole lot of love. I like him enough...but whatever, it's not about that. But what happens if I fall in love with him? Will it still be like that? No. I don't think so. And I have yet to find someone who will tell me that they have sex like that inside of their marriage. Oh man...I could go on and on..I won't. I've written about it...Thank you for sharing your thoughts..I'm glad to know Im' not alone. xo

  2. I don't have a single fucking answer for you. I honest to God do not. You know I am shit at this kind of debate. I talk a good game at my blog, love getting into topics like this, but I don't have a single answer for myself let alone anyone else.

    I don't know that there is any easy answer here, or even a hard one. I guess all I can say is trust that when you meet a guy who can mix the lust and excitement of random and new sex with the emotions of love...well then you are golden. Until then I guess you look for the guy who comes closest to mixing the two and or allow yourself to trust and believe that it is possible.

    That is of course if that is what you want...if not you keep on having fun and being adventurous and someday a guy will come along that "tames" your fears (Never you) and you find yourself in a passionate and meaningful relationship...if not well at least you are having a shit ton of good sex along the way.

    *note to self do not post comments after taking nyquil! sorry*

  3. I've asked myself the same question, over and over again. I never have an answer though. Does anyone really? I like what Jewels said here: "I don't know that there is any easy answer here, or even a hard one. I guess all I can say is trust that when you meet a guy who can mix the lust and excitement of random and new sex with the emotions of love..." She said just what I was thinking!

  4. I'm afraid that I have to echo the brilliant previous comments and admit that I've not a bloody clue. I think that where the mind fails to come up with an answer though, the heart never lies.

    And you go on with your superhero multi-tasking badass self, love.~

  5. I can totally answer this. Hell to the yeah you can have lust and love for the some person! It just isn't easy to find and a big reason why many people settle and live complacently. One of the reasons I got divorced was because I knew I had to give myself the opportunity to lust after the one I love forever. I may not find her - who knows. But I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I didn't give myself the opening and opportunity.

    It might help if I didn't walk around hip thrusting at every hot chick I see, but you never know...

  6. I do have an answer for you but you're probably not going to understand it.

    I am that guy. I'm the guy that, even after dating for 3 years, will come home, walk up behind her while she's doing dishes, turn her around and kiss her passionately then continue to slam her against the wall. When we finish I'll wash while she dries.

    Monotony happens, but it is up to the couple to liven things up. I'm a huge fan of sex, like ridiculously huge. Every single one of my relationships has always had good sex. It didn't matter if it was the 100th time we did the deed, we would still find a way to bring the passion to the bedroom/hallway/sofa/hood of the car.

    You don't need to sacrifice lust for love, you just need to either lust after the guy that you love or love the guy you lust after. They aren't mutually exclusive. If you have the right mindset it'll work. However it is up to you to have that mindset.

    You mentioned that you may want to have multiple partners. This is also something that is possible. Open relationships are becoming more common.

    Ultimately the questions you ask can only be answered by yourself. I know that I need to be able to lust after the person I'm dating. Lust after them emotionally, physically and psychologically. I have to literally love their body, mind and spirit. This is why I'm single. It's harder to find than one may think.

  7. I'm a little surprised that the ladies all seem to be on the same page with basically agreeing in concept that it can be one in the same but yet skeptical to the point that no one would call it a fact and declare it totally possible or had ever experienced it.

    While on the other hand, the guys are a resounding "YES" on this concept, and totally believe that it happens, should happens, and if it is not happening it can be fixed through efforts.

    Thanks for the great comments and for being so honest about where you each stand on the idea. Like I said, for me, the jury is still very much out. I want to have it all with a single person for hopefully a very long time and monogamy has never been a problem for me in the past, but boredom has been, temptation has been, wanting to lust and be consumed by someone purely physically has been.... so I don't know. But you know I'll keep you posted as I try to figure things out.

  8. Dude really?! Of course you can lust over someone you love and vice versa. In a monogamous relationship it's good to keep things fresh, act like most of the time it's the first week when you started having sex with that person and even though life might kick you in the ass and dull the sensation, at least you're both dedicated to blowing each others sexual-brains out.

    I'm lusting over my girlfriend right now, as I type this very comment, and I love her too!


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