I had some really interesting conversations with several people today. It really fucked with my productivity but it was good for my mind and for my heart so I consider it a day of "personal development" as I'm sure somehow I have become a better functioning part of the corporate machine somehow because of it.
I can spin things pretty well huh?? Plus I still kicked ass on the project calls I had to lead so really no one that would care is any the wiser. I need a cape because I am a multi-tasking superhero!
One of the more interesting conversations I had today was with my buddy @dillonheins and really got me thinking on this particular question: How does someone that thrives on lust let themselves fall in love? And, almost as important, can they stay faithful to someone that is OK sexually but they don't lust after them necessarily?
Without even realizing it, this was one of the questions that I had been pondering for some time in the back of my mind. I just needed someone else to ask it to make it click for me. A question that has made me hesitant to pursue an exclusive, monogamous relationship. Would the security of a relationship fulfill me as much as a thrill of great sex? Up to this point I have been doubtful, but after the "summer of dialing it back" I am reconsidering my position on the topic.
One of the things that I, and apparently other people wired very much like me, are worried about is that once we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who we could potentially love, how do we satisfy the part of us that needs to be wanted, pursued, and lusted after by (potentially) many as opposed to just being loved by a single person?
There is something to be said for being able to have what you want when you want it and not have to worry about normalcy and monotony setting in. Being able to see someone that you want, pursue them, and have them up against the wall in a dimly lit hallway by the end of the night, then walking away without any guilt or obligation. You can be selfish and impulsive, and that can be fun.
There is also something to be said for the security of having someone that loves you unconditionally, wakes up beside you and wants you, bedhead and morning breath and all. Knowing that someone has your back after a bad day, can make the most mundane things enjoyable, and will be there for you when your dog dies. Familiarity and trust can make for great sex, I know this first hand, but you can't just make them leave afterwards and you are always obligated to see them again.
It can be a scary thing for someone to "give up" the freedom of endless possibilities and variety and lieu of security and love, especially when that person has grown accustomed to indulging in lust as opposed to existing in love. To a person like that (like me), those two scenarios seem like polar opposites.
How do I know that I could do the "love" thing, and not miss the "lust" thing? Or worse yet, how do I know that I won't really want the love thing and screw it up by falling back into the pursuit of lust?
As you have figured out, I have way more questions than I have answers and I don't see that changing any time soon. Just thought I would put it out there for your words of wisdom (or warning). And no, this isn't something I need to figure out today or anything... I'm just thinking out loud here for future reference.