Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Randy Has A Crush - #21 on 30 days of Shamelessness

Yes, it's true. I admit it. And I'm not being snarky or sarcastic. I'm being real.

And since I hate following rules in general, I'm going to skip from #2 to #21 on my 30 days of Shamelessness fun... because I can. Let this serve as #21: express a strong feeling

I have mentioned Secret Agent Man in several posts, most recently the one about rediscovering the joy of the morning quickie, so you already know that things work well with us on that level. Well, apparently having a summer of "dialing it back" has afforded me a little much needed clarity regarding what I want and who I would like to have be part of it.

Now this is not a hasty decision on my part, no impulse on this one. I have really mulled this one over and I keep coming back to the same conclusion: I like this guy. That's not to say there aren't challenges or circumstances that I would like to be different, but all of that aside, I still like him.

One of the things that had been a source of frustration has been his tendency to go MIA. I don't need him to give me his itinerary but I'm a chick after all and as such, I like to over-think things and assume that everything is about/or because of me. I assumed if I didn't hear from him for a while, he must be over me/with someone else, etc.. I just didn't get it. But now I do. Wow, amazing what a direct, mature conversation can do for a girl huh?

We both ended up back in the same city at the same time on Monday night. That had not happened in quite some time as one or both of us have been traveling and in his case, he has literally been out of the country or locked on a military base with 700 of America's finest for a month straight. Not much he can do about that.

So last night, over several cocktails in a dark corner of a nearly empty bar, I fessed up. I came straight out with it. I have a very big crush on him. His smile said it all, although hearing him directly reciprocate the sentiment didn't hurt either. I told him it was a rare thing for me to a) crush on a guy and b) fess up to it, as I have a tendency to keep everyone at arm's length and have an excellent poker face. He said "Yes, I have noticed, you are a very hard girl to get a read on." I am truly my own worst enemy.

The confession led to a much needed and long overdue conversation on the topic. We both know that our situation can't be and won't be a traditional one at this point because it's just not feasible with what we both have going on aside from each other. And I am OK with that.

We had a pretty big breakthrough on our communication, or lack there of, and how we can both do a better job at it. I think I understand his thinking much better now and he understands that a few little things from him can talk me off the ledge when I go all "chick" on him.

Figuring things out at the crush level and already having things well beyond figured out in the bedroom is making me like him more, which scares the shit out of me to be completely honest, but I think it's something worth putting myself out of my comfort zone for. Time will tell I guess.

But I was happy to wake up beside him again in the morning, and that counts for something.


  1. Ohh, it's all exciting though, for sure.

    I am the opposite - I can be read like a damn book and am never able to hold my feeling or desires towards anyone for too long. I am my own worst enemy too - just the other end of the spectrum.

  2. This is brilliant! No one deserves to be with someone who reciprocates those crushy inclinations more than you. I'm so happy for you my darling RandyGirl! *MWAH!*

  3. Just another fine example of the power of communication. Talking it out lead to a very happy conclusion.

    And it still counts as dialing it back overall, right?

  4. There's two ways to look at this. You two seem right for each other in that you communicate oddly and you're both hard to read. That means non verbals and body language can mean more than words. That's straight awesome. Not to me because I don;t shut up, but for you guys. I think the way you two are attracted to each otehr works well.

    Flip side

    He's hot and cold in terms of being available, both physically and emotionally. This could kick your ass later on when the crush turns into something more. The next thing you know you;r begging for his attention and he's saving the planet or whatever it is he's doing.

    I'm happy you;re getting your crush on. The big brother part of me says be careful. Unless it makes for better blogging.

  5. I wish the last time I admitted a crush would have turned out like this.

  6. Lucky Secret Agent Man! I hope you find everything you want and desire RandomGirl. You deserve it.

    I am a huge advocate of transparency and clear communication. It is a refreshing way to behave and surprising how many relationships are lacking this component. If I were ever in a dark corner of a bar with you, I'd probably pull your hair, but I'd also tell you exactly what was on my mind.

  7. There's nothing more attractive than a woman who is comfortable and confident enough to express her feelings about a guy. If everyone in the world were as refreshingly honest as you were with Secret Agent Man, I wouldn't feel like suck a freak!

    I hope your communication breakthrough leads to a stronger, happier relationship with this guy. I can't see how it wouldn't. :)

  8. Awwww...I literally said awwww out loud. So glad that you found the nerve to admit it and that it was returned! :) YAY YOU!

  9. bad typo. lol. I meant *such* a freak! ::facepalm::

    good thing I checked back here, eh?

  10. I was pulling for Secret Agent Man, as I have a Special Agent I like myself. Way to be open and honest. Scary shit, eh?

    The MIA thing is kind of cool once you realize it isn't about staying away from you. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder and shtuff.

  11. This sounds like the beginning of a fabulous story yet to be written! :)

  12. @Lady E: I wish I could be more of an open book, I'm working on it... it takes a while to knock down such high walls ya know?

    @Kat: Thanks darling! We shall see... it's all very early and historically things don't end well but I am open to what is to come

    @Lost: who'd have thought? Talking can be good?!? No! And yes, this is still dialing back for me, it's been a very slow summer on purpose

    @Lance: I'm so glad you take the big bro role. I need that! You nailed my exact fear, I don't want to be the needy girl that has to beg for attention from him because I hate that girl and it's not me at all but I can see it turning out that way. I'm hopeful for now...

    @George: Didn't work out so well for you? I'm sorry dear! but you have a gem now right??

    @Wow: I am a fan of transparency as well, it just is seldom found. And as for your dark corner/hair pull offer... very tempting!

    @Insomniac: Thanks for the encouragement. I have never been a girl to play games, at least not on purpose but being direct is scary stuff.

    @Jewels: Thanks love! Glad I could make you say awwww... but don't get too excited just yet, there is still a lot of ground to cover. Words are just words until they are followed by actions.

    @Onion: I like your thinking on the MIA thing, it's not to get away from me, it's to deal with the things he is obligated to deal with. That helps. Thanks!

    @Yvonne: I'm hoping it's the beginning of a good story, fingers crossed!

  13. RG,

    I think it's awesome how you can both intellectualize your "chickness" and own it as well. You go, girl!



I like attention, so give me some please!