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Friday, July 1, 2011

My "Worst Thing" Comes Back Around

Normally I would be doing a "Soft-Core" Friday post today but in light of recent events, I have something else I need to get out today. Hopefully you aren't mad at me for it, I'll get back to the regularly scheduled fun-filled programming soon I promise if you will allow me this indulgence.

A few posts back, I was challenged by an Indie Ink peer to write about the "Worst Thing I've Ever Done". If you haven't read it yet, you might want to first because this will make a lot more sense with that for context. I wrote about how I fell in love with someone that didn't deserve my love and that was truly the worst thing I have done. Well, it looks like putting the situation back out in the universe got me exactly what I was hoping to avoid: he's back.

Yep, out of the blue. After nearly an entire year of nothing from him. No apology, no "how are you", just nothing. He had shut me out and cut me off so completely from his life that I didn't even know if he was still around or if he had moved back to Texas. It was a blessing in disguise because after the loss set in and I had allowed myself to move on, I didn't want to have to know anything about where he was or what he was up to.

So on Thursday, around lunchtime, I get an e-mail. Not on my normal e-mail account, but through the online dating site that I play around on from time to time. That's where we originally met. That's how I get it now. Nice. The title of the email? "An Apology".

As soon as I saw his picture, I stopped breathing. In that single second, I had about 100 different thoughts race through my head. Why? Why now? What does he want? Should I just delete it and block him and be done with it? I loved him.  He's so cute. Shit! I hate this!

I just sat there for a minute, contemplating what to do next. Eventually, I decided I needed to read it. They are just words right... what harm could come from just reading an email?  Well... I should have known better. His words, whether loving or hurtful,  always hit me in a way that was far from casual or matter-of-fact. This was no different.

He did it again. He drew me in with his words. Only these were different. An apology, it certainly was. I won't share the email here but he, in detail, took accountability for what he did and how he reacted. Apologized for the hurt he had caused, the conflict he created with my ex, the connection he had with my daughter that he walked out on. Everything. He pretty much addressed every single thing that I had been turning over and over in my mind for the last year. And I appreciate that.
Here is the line that hit me the most:
im sorry that when i entered into a relationship with you that i wasn't prepared to be a 
better man at that point

Woah. Right.

He didn't make any request for response, no plea to be let back in to my life, no excuses for anything. Just owned what was his to own, wished me well, and assured me that he has learned from our love gone wrong and has taken steps, both spiritually and emotionally, to do the work on himself to get his shit together.

I don't really know what to think. On one hand, I am really touched by his apology and feel I should acknowledge it. On the other hand, I wish he had never contacted me and would have just let it be. Now I'm all fucked in the head about the situation again and I hate that feeling worse than hurt or anger or just about anything else.

And no, the irony is not lost on me that just earlier this week I had talked about "clearing the slate" of my current distractions (which so far this week I have managed to do in case you were wondering)  and finding what I really want. Thanks karma.... once again, you have proved you are a bitch.

So now what????? I have no idea. I'm going to take some time and just really figure out why I feel so fucked up about what should be an innocent email and go from there I guess. Did I mention how much I hate this??

I know, I have some stories don't I?  In honor of my drama, today's video is The Story by Brandi Carlile

13 comments:

  1. I envy you none of this. While the apology was deserved and appreciated it definitely throws a wrench in things. Having an old love pop up always throws you off, when they come back and repent for all their wrongs, and ask nothing of you...well that is just unfair. Karma is a true bitch and right now I'm taking off my earrings and my necklace so I can kick her ass for you...shit is gonna get nasty in a minute.

    I am sorry that you are left feeling this was just when you have decided to make a switch in your life that you feel is healthy and best for you. No matter what you decide...and no I wouldn't even fathom giving advice on this because it is way too emotionally connected and personal a choice...I totally understand. I have gone both ways with this debate. I walked from one, responded to another, and you know what...neither turned out the way I hoped it would. Yup...Karma and I are going at it.

    Good luck sweetie.

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  2. *resisting urge to come to Indiana to kick your butt*

    Good luck. I hope the right decision awaits you. This is my version of a no comment. Because I can't just no comment. I hope you;'re ok. I'm going to stop typing now.

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  3. Wow, my goodness. Pretty deep stuff. This reminded me of my situation with my exwife, but there was never a real apology from her side.

    It sucks that you are now feeling this way, like a bucket of cold water thrown to your face out of nowhere. That's how I'd feel. I hope it all goes well.

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  4. This was pretty intense. Sorry you are feeling this way.

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  5. I'm a firm believer of "forgive but not forget." My ex wife and I have made amends for the shitty things we did to each other in our relationship, and because of this we have a good friendship now (which I hope LASTS...)

    Will I ever take her back? Hell no. She's sorry for what she did, and that's ok, but she still did them. 7 years of second chances, therapy, and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole taught me that sometimes it's just not meant to be.

    Is your story mine? Absolutely not. Ultimately you are going to decide what is best for you. Just try to do it with a clear head, mmmk?

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  6. How DO you interpret that? Is he really sorry and making amends, or just using a tactic?
    Sorry this has been dumped on you, best of luck.
    (good song too)

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  7. I am cynical and paranoid enough in my own life to wonder if he somehow read your other post and recognized himself. I'm sorry for the conflict this is causing. Good luck.

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  8. @Jewels: Thank you for understanding, although you know I was hoping for your advise right?!? I understand why you are stepping out of it, very mature of you!

    @Lance: *bends over so you can properly kick my ass* I totally need my ass kicked by some sound reasoning as I seem to be a complete idiot when it comes to him in particular which is mystifying to me because I am normally a wicked smart girl.

    @Porkstar: that is the perfect way to describe what I am feeling, like I got blasted with a bucket of cold water when I least expected it.

    OT: Thanks love, I appreciate that

    @Lost: That has always kind of been my thinking too, I will forgive because it's not for me to sit in judgement but to forget? That's a whole different story. I don't know if it can be halfway with this situation though. I don't know that I want all, and I don't know that I want nothing. A clear head would be a welcomed change on this topic

    @George: That is really the question. Motives. I don't know what the agenda would be now, after all this time and distance, but I have been fooled before. I always assume people have good intentions until they smack me in the face with the opposite.

    @Tara: I would have thought that too except he has no idea I write this blog or anything else. He only ever saw what I wrote specifically for him and at the time, I would have never thought to put anything out publicly like I do now. I think it really is just me putting it out in the universe again, in the post and in a recent conversation I had with one of my friends who was with me during the original situation that somehow stirred all this up again. Who knows.... maybe it was just time to get it out and deal with it on all levels.

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  9. Oh and in case you are wondering what I decided to do... I haven't yet. I'm still working through the thought process. To Be Continued....

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  10. Ouch. This totally sucks! I think you and I are or could be the same person! LOL I'm sorry this happened. I cannot even begin to give you advice or pretend I know what's best for you. Only you know. So instead, I'll send you positive energy. Good luck sweets!

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  11. ...and I am just going to say good luck in whatever you decide. Shit like that is tough. It never fails to happen when you feel like your getting your shit together too.

    Sorry you have to deal with this.

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  12. I read this, and the "Worst Thing I've Ever Done" story explaining it, and you have totally got me hooked to your blog now. I'm sorry that this guy suffocated you, controlled you, abused you, etc... and that he didn't realize what he was doing until it was much too late. Good thing you got out when you did! And now that you're finally able to breathe again he's found another way to siphon the air? Unreal.

    However you decide to deal with this, I hope that you're able to find peace with yourself and your decision. Be strong. Good luck!

    (Btw, I could tell you some "Worst Thing I've Ever Done" stories that might actually make this guy look like a saint.


    Nah...they're not *that* bad, lol)

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  13. hmmmm. I hate loose ends. I think if it were me I would have to address it, deal with it, talk it through before I could let it go. Yes, even with him. You might realize the loose ends are what was making it impossible to ignore completely. Good luck RG.

    www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

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