Normally I would be doing a "Soft-Core" Friday post today but in light of recent events, I have something else I need to get out today. Hopefully you aren't mad at me for it, I'll get back to the regularly scheduled fun-filled programming soon I promise if you will allow me this indulgence.
A few posts back, I was challenged by an Indie Ink peer to write about the "Worst Thing I've Ever Done". If you haven't read it yet, you might want to first because this will make a lot more sense with that for context. I wrote about how I fell in love with someone that didn't deserve my love and that was truly the worst thing I have done. Well, it looks like putting the situation back out in the universe got me exactly what I was hoping to avoid: he's back.
Yep, out of the blue. After nearly an entire year of nothing from him. No apology, no "how are you", just nothing. He had shut me out and cut me off so completely from his life that I didn't even know if he was still around or if he had moved back to Texas. It was a blessing in disguise because after the loss set in and I had allowed myself to move on, I didn't want to have to know anything about where he was or what he was up to.
So on Thursday, around lunchtime, I get an e-mail. Not on my normal e-mail account, but through the online dating site that I play around on from time to time. That's where we originally met. That's how I get it now. Nice. The title of the email? "An Apology".
As soon as I saw his picture, I stopped breathing. In that single second, I had about 100 different thoughts race through my head. Why? Why now? What does he want? Should I just delete it and block him and be done with it? I loved him. He's so cute. Shit! I hate this!
I just sat there for a minute, contemplating what to do next. Eventually, I decided I needed to read it. They are just words right... what harm could come from just reading an email? Well... I should have known better. His words, whether loving or hurtful, always hit me in a way that was far from casual or matter-of-fact. This was no different.
He did it again. He drew me in with his words. Only these were different. An apology, it certainly was. I won't share the email here but he, in detail, took accountability for what he did and how he reacted. Apologized for the hurt he had caused, the conflict he created with my ex, the connection he had with my daughter that he walked out on. Everything. He pretty much addressed every single thing that I had been turning over and over in my mind for the last year. And I appreciate that.
Here is the line that hit me the most:
He didn't make any request for response, no plea to be let back in to my life, no excuses for anything. Just owned what was his to own, wished me well, and assured me that he has learned from our love gone wrong and has taken steps, both spiritually and emotionally, to do the work on himself to get his shit together.
I don't really know what to think. On one hand, I am really touched by his apology and feel I should acknowledge it. On the other hand, I wish he had never contacted me and would have just let it be. Now I'm all fucked in the head about the situation again and I hate that feeling worse than hurt or anger or just about anything else.
And no, the irony is not lost on me that just earlier this week I had talked about "clearing the slate" of my current distractions (which so far this week I have managed to do in case you were wondering) and finding what I really want. Thanks karma.... once again, you have proved you are a bitch.
So now what????? I have no idea. I'm going to take some time and just really figure out why I feel so fucked up about what should be an innocent email and go from there I guess. Did I mention how much I hate this??
I know, I have some stories don't I? In honor of my drama, today's video is The Story by Brandi Carlile