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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Saying the Word

I recently was asked to do a feature post at Studio 30 Plus which I accepted. I had a few weeks notice so I wrote up a piece titled "Flawed" and it was all about how I had learned through the course of recording my thoughts and actions in my blog that I have a flawed person and that I can accept that and how I can be OK with being just what I am.

I was ready to post that link up on Sunday to go live on Monday but I had a different thought on my heart and in my mind when the time came and so I wrote and posted "One Word" instead.

Why the change? I am not sure. I just know that it feels like it is really time for me to start learning how to say NO. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how.

I have always been very upfront and honest with my goings-on here at Random Girl. Everything in this blog, unless specifically identified as fiction, has been lived by me. I have shared the good, the bad, the scandalous, the joyous, the disappointing, and the confusing. All of it has been here for you to read and comment on. More importantly, it is here for me to reflect on.

So last week, I told you that I had a pleasant evening/morning with Secret Agent Man. I was sincere about that. What didn't get posted  yet is that I also saw Fireman and Neighbor Guy before the week was out.  I had more orgasms collectively last week than I have had in quite a while. That would be the "glass half full" outlook. The "glass half empty" outlook would be that, I did more out of a feeling of obligation and expectation that I would, as opposed to my desire or want to spend time with those people or in that situation with them.

That's a problem. Even I can see that.

Somewhere along the line, in my pursuit of being a woman pursued, I lost perspective of why I want that. Why I seek that out. What I really want seems to no longer matter, it has become a matter of wanting what I have in front of me. That's not good enough anymore.

I have begun to contemplate what the alternative would look like for me.

What if I took a break? What if I quit having sex for a while? How would my life change? What could I do with the time and energy now consumed by these pursuits, on these false "relationships" and dead end situations?  

What if I broke ties with the guys I am currently with and cleared the slate. Can I do it? Most of you have been with me on the majority of my ups and downs with Fireman in particular and despite "firing" him multiple times before, I always end up back in the bedroom with him. What would be any different this time? How would I keep from going back to him again?

Can I say No? Can I keep saying No? Should I? What happens if I don't?

I know I have asked a lot of questions in today's post. I don't expect any answers from anyone but myself but I thought I would at least put it out there, share with you what's on my mind and why, with the hope that as I make my decisions that you all can help hold me accountable and build my resolve to start thinking about things a little differently going forward.

So I say "thank you" in advance for hearing me out and helping me think things through, encouraging me to do what needs done, and forgiving me when I am weak. In a way this has become my new "Flawed" post, but it looks a lot different than my original concept of it did!

For those of you that didn't make it over to S30P to see my "One Word" post there, here it is.

One Word
All it would take
Is just one word
And everything would change
Bad decisions
Regret
Abusing myself
It all could be done
With just one word
No
Stop
Don’t
I can’t seem to find my voice 
Such a simple thing
To speak a word
Could change direction
Reroute an entire life 
But the word evades me
Hides behind “yes” and “of course”
Overpowered by "I want to"
Stays silent
When it should scream out
It’s buried
Far beneath the “I will”
The “why not?”
Silenced by the “would you expect anything else of me?” 
It’s what you expect
And what I accept
That I will
That I want to
That I have no reason not to 
That one word just sits there
Powerless and unspoken
Waiting for the day that I find my voice
And finally say it
No.

** This is also serving as my Indie Ink Challenge response to my challenge from Kirk. His challenge was: Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty?
I challenged Alyssa this week. Her response will be posted here when complete. 

18 comments:

  1. Hmmm, some soul searching going on in here and I like it! I usually need to figure out the why before I can change my behavior. Knowing what drives me is usually the root of it. Good luck finding your answer. :-)

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  2. I don't believe in a "clean slate". Your slate is what it is. You;ve spent 30 years accumulating stuff on that slate.

    You are where I was about 4 years ago. I dated a few people after my divorce, got the physical confidence I wanted, then figured out I was kind of lost.

    Taking a personal inventory is natural, expected, and straight awesome for someone 30 or 36 as I was then. What's really important is you put yourself first. If that means no dudes for a while, then cool. If it means only one dude, cooler.

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  3. Just as impressive the second time as it was the first.

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  4. Take a break if you need to. It sounds like it's all little overwhelming for you. Breathe.

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  5. You are not on this earth to entertain others. You are here for a different purpose: your own, whichever you feel is right and good for you.

    When you realize the above you will be free.

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  6. My love I have to answer your questions by asking some of my own: Are you questioning your choices because you are dissatisfied with them, or that you feel like you *should* feel dissatisfied with them? I might be off here, but I read this as if you are feeling guilty for having a good time.

    I've somehow fallen into the (very odd for me) role of being the commenter advocating "mature" advice, particularly in regards to the Fireman, but it all comes back to with what decision *you* are comfortable. I didn't chide you for not kicking Fireman to the curb because you were enjoying yourself--while still being responsible about it.

    You don't neglect your job, your friends, your family or, most importantly, The Princess. You even managed to bang out regular blog posts in addition to writing for the Dude Society, so I don't think that you can call yourself unproductive in the least, love. If you feel that you want a lifestyle change, then do it for you and for the right reasons. One week of rampant orgasms isn't such a bad thing to cause you to question yourself so much. ;-)

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  7. Obviously you're a little exhausted, take a short getaway.
    And remember:
    I'm always here to support you.

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  8. Great post on self-reflection. My two cents is: What could it hurt? A little celibacy would be frustrating, but it would give you time to clear your head...

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  9. @Onion: Not so sure about soul searching, just taking a little stock as to if what I'm doing is going to get me what I wanting, which might help if I knew what I really wanted but I'm getting a better idea the more I consider it.

    @Lance: Always such good, sincere advise from you, thank you! Knowing that you and Bobina are blissfully happy and click so well, it gives me a little peace of mind that this will be just a phase on my way to where I would like to be.

    @Josh: Thank you for the kind words and for reading my words multiple times...it's appreciated!

    @Head Ant: yes, relax and breathe, excellent idea...sounds simple but I sometimes forget one or the other.

    @Anonymous: Thank you for your comment and insight

    @sweet Kat: Darling Kat, you are the voice of reason for and have continually provided me the balance and insight to really see a situation for what it is. Again, you have done it for me. You raised some very important questions that really get at the intention behind why I'm questions things the way I am. Now I have to think those through... stay tuned!

    @Lion: A short getaway.. yes, that sounds lovely. Perhaps I will! Thanks for your support and comment and for checking out Random Girl

    @Lost: I hate self-reflection...if it weren't necessary for my survival, I would avoid it all together. I am considering my options.... but I really hate frustation, especially of the sexual kind... I have been far too spoiled as of late.

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  10. Pretty good post.

    Sometimes I wish I could have a nice clean slate with a lot of things.

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  11. Well written. If it were me, I'd try to take a little break. It can be tough to do though.

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  12. i do the exact same thing. i allow others to put me in situations where i am uncomfortable and allow them to bully/browbeat me into doing what THEY want to do, because i am scared to stick up for myself. i think "what if i hurt their feelings?" and decide to just do what they want, because it is easier than making a big scene about why i don't want to do it. i would rather take on the hurt feelings myself than force it on others, thinking it's okay, i can handle it, soon i'll be free and this will be over.

    but it's not okay, and as a result i end up avoiding the human race all together because that in itself is easier than sticking up for myself. how i feel should matter just as much as other peoples' feelings and what they want, but for some reason it doesn't.

    sorry, this was a really long comment! lol. 'great poem, i really enjoyed it and related to it' is what i meant to say...;)

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  13. @OT: I know.. wouldn't a nice "do over" on a few areas of life come in handy sometimes? But I guess you are where you are by doing what you've done so it all works out how it's supposed to.

    @George: It would be tough to take a break..I'm kind of used to being spoiled these days...and that means I will notice the absence even more

    @Kage: Oh sweetie... how I wish you couldn't relate, that would mean you don't get stuck in the same situations that I do sometimes. But since you can understand where I'm coming from, I appreciate you sharing such personal insights with me.
    How you feel is as important, more so even, than what anyone else thinks. Don't hide yourself away darling, you are far TOO fabulous for that!

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  14. You already know a bit of my story and that I relate to this too well. I can tell you that I am in the middle of a self prescribed celibacy and it isn't easy...as you can tell by my tweets & posts sometimes but it is healthy for me. It isn't easy...I am getting carpal tunnel from masturbating (sorry...tmi?) and I want to jump every man I see. Have I been tempted to give in? Hell yeah...then I remember why I am doing it.

    I personally, need for sex to mean something more again. I have to do this. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one. When you diet and you fall off the wagon and eat some pizza with a beer do you give up entirely? NO. So you fall of the sex wagon and get a little action...just make sure you get back on.

    I know it sounds silly but it is less about sex and more about spending some time with yourself. Learning what you do and don't want. What you will and won't tolerate. What you require of a partner. Then you stay celibate until you find it. No caving no settling no giving in...because you know and I know you are better than that...deserve more than that.

    That's just my 2 cents...which is worth...well 2 cents...so take it or leave it sweets. Either way...I'm here. :)

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  15. Great post RG! "I know it sounds silly but it is less about sex and more about spending some time with yourself. Learning what you do and don't want. What you will and won't tolerate. What you require of a partner. Then you stay celibate until you find it. No caving no settling no giving in...because you know and I know you are better than that...deserve more than that." ---this spoke volumes to me! I too, often wish we could have "do-overs", it would certainly make my life less chaotic. Sigh, but getting back to you, I think that you are tired of the "crap" you have been receiving from men, from yourself, and you are looking for answers.
    You don't have to be the "yes" girl all the time. Saying "No" every once in a while, will empower you, thus giving you the confidence you need to face yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see. Make sense? I'm coming off a antibiotics induced high, so I may not make any sense!

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  16. @Jewels & Yvonne: Thanks girls! I know you girls can relate to where I am coming from and I appreciate your words of support and advise so very much! I know it will be good for me to just step away from the chaos for a moment or two and I am seriously considering it but it is so easy to fall back into what I have known for the last few years. Ultimately, I guess I need to figure out what I want and then take the path that makes the most sense to make it a reality.

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  17. I'm over here trying not to answer as though I'm from the Indie Ink.

    Taking into account the initial part of the post, I think it's good that you're pondering everything and attempting to do the right thing going forward, it's hard sometimes to get that right and chances are you won't, but it's how you deal with it that defines you I guess (I'm sure I heard that last sentence in a movie or something - sorry!).

    Self reflection will make you a much more rounded creature in the long run.

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  18. The fact that you're asking the questions means that you're at least somewhat interested in finding the answers. The path to self-awareness is generally pretty painful in that it forces us in front of cognitive mirrors until we figure out who it is we're really looking at and why we look that way. Getting there is rough, but it makes all the difference in the world. You'll never again have to wonder who you are or who you aren't, because you'll finally know.

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