As I was licking the chocolate sauce off my fingers and sighing contentedly from a piece of brownie sundae cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory a moment ago, one word hit me that perfectly sums up the last few days: Overindulgence.
I have been the queen of all sorts of overindulgence recently. Like, seriously. I can't even make a valid excuse. I have ate disgustingly decadent and delicious things, drank entirely too much alcohol, had more than my fair share of sex, and in general have just enjoyed myself to the point of it all just being ridiculous.
Even I can't justify this level of indulgence, it's not my birthday or a holiday or vacation or anything. I'm either very lucky or have reached a new level of dysfunction even for me. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
It started innocently enough on Friday night. I met my long suffering "I'm in love with you but know it will never happen for you" friend T out at our favorite little bar for the world's best chicken nachos and Long Islands. Lots of Long Islands. Like way too many. It was one of things you don't realize until you are 3 drinks in and find yourself in the middle of the "why not me?" conversation.
We hadn't talked in months, since he confessed his love and I declined, but we ran into each other, almost literally, while we were both getting our fitness on at the park last week, so the obligatory "let's catch up" came to be.
So I decided, why not him? I have always said I would never go there with T because I actually liked him too much, but in the dreaded "friend zone" kind of way. But I guess for whatever crazy reason the planets aligned that night because I decided to prove to myself that my "it will never be you" stance was indeed correct. And to my complete shock, the hook up was pretty intense and quite enjoyable. I know that does not help me clarify my "it will never be you" stance to him, and I take complete ownership for causing a higher degree of very unhelpful confusion to the situation, because despite it being good, it won't ever happen again and I am more certain than ever that it really will "never be him".
It sounds cold hearted I know and I hate that, but I care enough about him that I know he would be wasting his time waiting for me to reciprocate his feelings and I would much rather see him happy with someone else because he really is one of the best guys I have known in my entire life. It's just not there and won't ever be for me. I don't regret it, it really was something that just needed to happen to fill in the missing blank for both of us and confirm what we both already knew. Maybe that's not a good enough reason, but I really feel like it was necessary for both of us to see our situation for what it is, or more importantly, what it isn't.
And that was just the beginning of my overindulgent weekend. It gets better. Or worse. Or....hell, I don't even know at this point. I guess it's a subjective thing. I'll share more in a future post. I think I have given you enough to judge me on for one post. Thanks for letting me put it all out there with you kids, it's appreciated!