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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Cheating - The Other Woman's Story

You kids have really blown me a way with your comments and experiences related to my series of posts on Cheating this week. Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing so openly.

I have the distinct honor today of hosting a guest post from the fabulous Jewels from Jewels Turning 30. You need to go check her blog out, she writes the most amazing things. Jewels is opening herself  up the the good people of Random Girl to share some personal and insightful findings on her experience as "the other woman" in the cheating scenario. She has done some very revealing posts on her site as well and I will include links to those at the end of this post for further reference. Jewels, you are brave and beautiful and I think you for sharing your story. Please take her words as what they are, the truth and a cautionary tale, and not pass judgement.

Jewels Story

I am so happy to be guest blogging for Randy although I wish it wasn’t as an expert at being “the other woman”…but I’ll take what I can get. I have made no secrets about having been a mistress or sleeping with men who had girlfriends but I’ve also made no secret about how much heartache this has brought me. As with any woman who allows herself to be in a relationship like this it definitely stemmed from a lower self esteem. I find this hard to admit because I consider myself a very confident person and for a long time thought that I was in control so no harm, no foul, but that’s just not the way it went.

I am a woman, an emotional, loving woman and I cannot fully separate sex from love so eventually I developed feelings for these men. I have never and would never ask a man to leave the person he was with, for several reasons. First of all, any man who cheated on his woman with me will cheat again and I could never trust him…so why would I encourage him to leave her for me—he’d be horrible relationship material. Secondly, if I thought he could change for me, and I wouldn’t I assure you because I have no faith left in fidelity, he would resent me forever for ending that relationship or forcing his hand.

I was addicted to the thrill of an affair, the naughty emails and texts, the secret phone calls and meetings. I got off on the fact that nobody knew what we were doing…on seeing him out and sharing secret smiles. There was a high associated with the affair, feeling wanted and desired. It was never dull, boring, scripted…ever meeting had this vibe around it, rushed but seeming to last forever, passionate, heated, you could smell the lust in the air between us. There was this adrenaline associated with knowing this man would risk everything to be with me.

Here’s the thing though…when I had a bad day and needed somebody-he wouldn’t be there. When I was crying and sad…I was alone. Most nights I spent alone, waiting for him. I couldn’t call if he was late, had no ground to stand on if he canceled, and the rushed feeling eventually stopped being sexy. I would fall in love and they wouldn’t.

You see as a mistress I’m a warm body, a thrill, and while they may appreciate me they rarely cared about me. I could have been anyone, any warm willing person. I am a master at stroking egos, telling men what they want and need to hear. I see what is broken and I build them up until I’ve fixed it. I serve my purpose and then lose my appeal…it’s the job of a mistress, really. There is nothing flattering about being a warm body-they want anyone, not me, not really. There is nothing in being a mistress that makes my nights less lonely, not in a way that counts. It’s fun, hell yeah, it’s fun, but it’s not fulfilling.

I don’t condone what I did. I don’t pretend that my feeling bad about it makes it okay. I’m not asking anyone to understand it, accept it, or like it. I’ve never been cheated on but I imagine any woman out there who has been and is reading this hates me…and that’s okay. I’m never going to be able to change what I did, not sure I would if I could because it’s made me who I am today.  None of those relationships ended because of me, to the best of my knowledge their wives/girlfriends never even knew…but it was still wrong.

I share this, share me, this side of me I don’t like, because affairs are so often glamorized, made to seem so sexy and fun…they really aren’t. If anyone out there is considering being the other woman I write this so they know it’s not really worth it. I write this so they’ll email me and I can talk to them, no judgment, just an ear to listen and some friendly advice. I’m good at that. I write so men can see this side of it, understand how it feels to be the mistress…and hell they can email me too. I welcome it, welcome any chance to help people with the experiences and heartaches I have…maybe some good can come from it all in the end.

Again, thank you so much Jewels for sharing your perspective and experience. I admire your bravery and level of self-awareness. 

To read more of Jewel's story check out her blog at Jewels Turning 30

20 comments:

  1. Jewels - you are my hero. Truly. To share yourself like this...wow! Way to go my blog sister. If I could I would high five you right now. And Randy for giving you the space to share this part of you. No judgments Jewels. YOu did what you did. It's not who you are. xo

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  2. Jewels is a jewel!

    way to say it, J! no holds barred, and raw and real...that is why i loves you!

    so totally a great post...

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  3. First-thanks to Randy for allowing me to share a bit of myself here and in such an encouraging and supportive way...and to her followers for taking the time to read it.

    Rita-thank you so much for your continuous love of me no matter what! You are truly the older sister I never had and always wanted! Love you.

    Bruce-again you make me blush/smile. You are too sweet to me. Thank you. I don't know any way to be me but to own all my accomplishments and flaws and I love that I found such great people who support me good or bad.

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  4. Incredibly brave of you to share all this, wow. As a girl who's never had trouble separating sex from love, I can totally relate to the "warm body" concept, except on the man's side. I've left a whole litany of warm bodies in my wake and, sadly, if not shockingly, they were all used and tossed before I ever turned 17. Once I turned 17, I got married, and I've only had sex with 1 man in the last 17 years. But before him, all bets were off. Married men, single, girlfriends, engaged. Half the time I didn't even know and didn't care. There was no affair. I don't even remember most of their names. Jesus, I have no idea why I just said that. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your story. Very brave, indeed.

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  5. Hey...who you calling "older"?

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  6. Great post Jewels. I like your thinking, it is something you did not who you are!
    Jess

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  7. Deus Ex Machina-Thank you for reading and commenting and being supportive. I can't imagine being married at 17 or being wild prior to 17 since at 17 I was still a virgin but I do believe in regretting nothing as it makes us who we are today.

    Rita-um...I mean fraternal twin seperated at birth!!!!!

    Jess-thank you so much for understanding that and for coming by to read my guest post.

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  8. Still in awe of your willingness to share of yourself on such a difficult subject, my dear Jewels.~

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  9. Kat-it's easy with support from people like you...okay not easy...but easier.

    OT-thanks, babe.

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  10. Wow, I'm offline for a couple hours and all sorts of love is flying around here! You all are truly the best. To be able to be open and honest and be accepted and supported, what more can anyone ask for? You all get a big Randy kiss *MWAH*

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  11. good job, jewels! very brave. proud of you :)

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  12. RG-They were more than wonderful to me-thanks again for having me.

    Kage-thank you! You are the kindest psycho stalker I've ever know! :-* kisses

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  13. Jewels - Thanks for writing with such honesty. I know it must have been hard. No one wants to admit to that side of themselves. You did it with such eloquence and insight.

    Random Girl - Awesome blog. I'll make sure to come and visit you more often.

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  14. @Jewels: darling you are welcome to post here anytime your little heart desires. My "door" is always open!

    @Bella: Thanks for checking out RG. Glad you enjoyed your visit and look forward to see you around more often!

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  15. Wow, I have so much respect for you jewels, you really are the bravest person I know. I admire you for telling your story to help other people who may be thinking about being where you were. :)

    amberlashell.com

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  16. Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again ΓΆ€“ taking your RSS feeds also, Thanks.

    nolvadex

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  17. I am so glad I came across this blog today. I have been "the other woman" for the past four years. At first I didn't know he was married and by the time I did, I was already in love with him. His family, colleagues and friends know about me. It is not a secret. Yet it kills me inside, especially when he is not around for me. I was rushed to the hospital today with an ulcer and he was no where to be found. Hopefully, this is my wake up call. I know I deserve more. I can relate to many of your thoughts on the topic. Thanks for sharing.

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  18. @Anonymous: So glad that you found something to empower you and give you perspective today when you needed it. Hoping for your continued strength as you figure out how to move forward. Hopefully you will stick around at Random Girl for a while, we have some great conversations here and if you are looking for supportive, open people....this is where you will find them.

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  19. Amber-thanks so much! I am so sorry I am late responding to your comment. I appreciate your support.

    Anonymous-I am glad that this post helped you, as it is why I agreed to write it for Random Girl in the first place. It is not an easy position to be in, especially once your heart is involved (as it always is with me). You are right, you do deserve more and unfortunately when you are with a married man they usually can't give you the emotional support you need. I am so sorry you are hurting right now. If you need to, please feel free to email me at jewelsturning30@yahoo.com. I am always around to listen. :)

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