I have the distinct honor today of hosting a guest post from the fabulous Jewels from Jewels Turning 30. You need to go check her blog out, she writes the most amazing things. Jewels is opening herself up the the good people of Random Girl to share some personal and insightful findings on her experience as "the other woman" in the cheating scenario. She has done some very revealing posts on her site as well and I will include links to those at the end of this post for further reference. Jewels, you are brave and beautiful and I think you for sharing your story. Please take her words as what they are, the truth and a cautionary tale, and not pass judgement.
I am so happy to be guest blogging for Randy although I wish it wasn’t as an expert at being “the other woman”…but I’ll take what I can get. I have made no secrets about having been a mistress or sleeping with men who had girlfriends but I’ve also made no secret about how much heartache this has brought me. As with any woman who allows herself to be in a relationship like this it definitely stemmed from a lower self esteem. I find this hard to admit because I consider myself a very confident person and for a long time thought that I was in control so no harm, no foul, but that’s just not the way it went.
I am a woman, an emotional, loving woman and I cannot fully separate sex from love so eventually I developed feelings for these men. I have never and would never ask a man to leave the person he was with, for several reasons. First of all, any man who cheated on his woman with me will cheat again and I could never trust him…so why would I encourage him to leave her for me—he’d be horrible relationship material. Secondly, if I thought he could change for me, and I wouldn’t I assure you because I have no faith left in fidelity, he would resent me forever for ending that relationship or forcing his hand.
I was addicted to the thrill of an affair, the naughty emails and texts, the secret phone calls and meetings. I got off on the fact that nobody knew what we were doing…on seeing him out and sharing secret smiles. There was a high associated with the affair, feeling wanted and desired. It was never dull, boring, scripted…ever meeting had this vibe around it, rushed but seeming to last forever, passionate, heated, you could smell the lust in the air between us. There was this adrenaline associated with knowing this man would risk everything to be with me.
Here’s the thing though…when I had a bad day and needed somebody-he wouldn’t be there. When I was crying and sad…I was alone. Most nights I spent alone, waiting for him. I couldn’t call if he was late, had no ground to stand on if he canceled, and the rushed feeling eventually stopped being sexy. I would fall in love and they wouldn’t.
You see as a mistress I’m a warm body, a thrill, and while they may appreciate me they rarely cared about me. I could have been anyone, any warm willing person. I am a master at stroking egos, telling men what they want and need to hear. I see what is broken and I build them up until I’ve fixed it. I serve my purpose and then lose my appeal…it’s the job of a mistress, really. There is nothing flattering about being a warm body-they want anyone, not me, not really. There is nothing in being a mistress that makes my nights less lonely, not in a way that counts. It’s fun, hell yeah, it’s fun, but it’s not fulfilling.
I don’t condone what I did. I don’t pretend that my feeling bad about it makes it okay. I’m not asking anyone to understand it, accept it, or like it. I’ve never been cheated on but I imagine any woman out there who has been and is reading this hates me…and that’s okay. I’m never going to be able to change what I did, not sure I would if I could because it’s made me who I am today. None of those relationships ended because of me, to the best of my knowledge their wives/girlfriends never even knew…but it was still wrong.
I share this, share me, this side of me I don’t like, because affairs are so often glamorized, made to seem so sexy and fun…they really aren’t. If anyone out there is considering being the other woman I write this so they know it’s not really worth it. I write this so they’ll email me and I can talk to them, no judgment, just an ear to listen and some friendly advice. I’m good at that. I write so men can see this side of it, understand how it feels to be the mistress…and hell they can email me too. I welcome it, welcome any chance to help people with the experiences and heartaches I have…maybe some good can come from it all in the end.
Again, thank you so much Jewels for sharing your perspective and experience. I admire your bravery and level of self-awareness.
To read more of Jewel's story check out her blog at
com/2010/08/note-to-reader-up- until-now-i-have.html first post "mindset of a mistress"
com/2010/08/men-who-cheat.html "Men Who Cheat"
com/2011/01/morbid-thoughts- of-mistress.html "Morbid Thoughts of a Mistress"