Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Cheating - Men vs. Women

Yesterday I posted on the women who cheat and the reasons behind it. If you missed it, check it out here
That spurred some great comments and discussion from both the women and the men folk that check in here at Random Girl.
One of the comments that was made by Jewels brought up another dynamic of the cheating scenario that got me thinking. She commented: I have been the woman that men cheat with but I think men's reasons and women's reasons are VERY different.

The segment I referenced yesterday listed 5 main reasons why women cheat. 
They were as follows:
1) Seeking revenge
2) They want to get caught (Exit Affair)
3) They feel lonely
4) They want to relive  their past
5)  They have a near death experience

So are men's reasons the same? I would think similar yet different but since I am a female it is total speculation on my part. Here is my theory on that. 

Random Girl's Speculative Top 5 reasons Men Cheat:
1) The opportunity presents itself.
2) Validation that he is still attractive/sexy/sought after
3) Unsatisfied with amount of sex at home
4) Because he thinks he can get away with it
5) Competitive nature 

A guy friend of mine once told me, it's not a matter of if he will cheat, it's a matter of when the opportunity will present itself. That was not something I wanted to hear as fairly recently-wed woman. 
I think most guys cheat because they need the validation. They need to know that they are still sought after, can still compete for and win the girl, and can still please a new partner. Am I close here at all guys? Set me straight. 

Guys, why did you do it or under what circumstances could you be motivated to do it? Could/can your woman do anything to prevent it?
Ladies, have you been cheated on? Did he give you a reason or do you have theory on why it happened?  Share kids! 


  1. The excuse I heard was 'it just happened; I didn't plan it'. asked her over here didn't you?

    A friend of mine has told me that hes cheated because of how dangerous it felt; the rush. The sneaking around and the planning of it got him off more than that actual affair itself. That makes me think that regardless of how good the sex is or how often at home, if a man wants to he's going to. Or a woman for that matter.

    I live in Alberta which is oil country. The men are gone for months at a time to work on the rigs and the personal adds online and in the papers here are full to overflowing with adds from lonely women. I don't think it's just a guy thing anymore...women are just as likely to cheat.

  2. I think that the validation that he's still sexy/attractive/sought after definitely applies to woment too. To me, it boils down to communication. I realize that sounds all psychotherapy, but if you're not feelin sexy/satisfied at home/competitive enough in the bedroom, addressing the issues is a great place to start curbing the temptation and appeal of cheating. Just my 2 cents :)

  3. I agree with Primed, women are just as bad.

  4. I agree with Primed, women are just as bad.

  5. He 'couldn't be the person the kids and I needed him to be'. When I suggested that was honest and reliable he was not amused. LOL

    Really he gave up on us and then had to have someone else lined up before he could leave. He finally (a year later) will admit he cheated but he denied it vehemently up until very recently. He's a serial cheater though, he's always done it and I suppose always will. Why did I marry him? Good question.....

  6. All of the reasons above make sense, except for number one. Just because somebody offers you some meth, doesn't mean that you need do it. I have been offered strange in the past and have been able to do a u-e and decline. But the fact is, we are born with the ability to do wrong and not one of us is impervious to making a mistake. My wife and I are working through some difficult issues and we have not been intimate for some time, but I have been able to keep myself out of situations that could make me slip. Some of you may think that is a wonderful excuse but I'm aware of my humanity and know that I have done some dumb shit, and I will do some more.

  7. I have this friend who is in a committed relationship, engaged. He told me once that if the opportunity ever presented itself, he would sleep with me in a heartbeat, regardless of whether he was dating, or even married. And I asked him, "do you really think it would be worth everything you'd lose, including your ability to think of yourself as an inherently good person?" His answer? "To have sex with you? Absolutely." I really have no idea what could possibly be going on his head. Is that an example of the opportunity simply presenting itself? I really don't know...

  8. The first guy that I ever really loved cheated on me without ever really giving an explanation. I was with him off and on from the time I was 16 to 19 so I really never expected an explanation. I knew the kind of guy he was, but that didn't stop me from loving him. My husband has never cheated and I pray that he never does. I pray that he never wants to. The comment "it's just a matter of when the right opportunity presents itself" scares the shit out of me. I try incredibly hard to make sure how much I love him, need him as a man, and find him desirable so he never feels the urge. I hope that that's enough.

    I also agree with FisherFacts that women would cheat to feel attractive and sought after. It's almost an off-shoot of being lonely.

  9. I can name 5 guys who are cheating on their partner right now. Most of them are repeat offenders. They cheat get caught remarry then cheat on her. Everyone of them want to act like teenagers. They are best friends to their sons or daughters instead of a parent. They want to hang out with their kids friends. I think they want women to still find that they are attractive and I also believe it has to do with the conquest. They are so arrogant they think they can get away with.

    My wife cheated on me with a guy I know. She never admitted to doing anything with him other than talking but she said she liked the adventure. All the sneaking around trying not to get caught.

  10. Another great day of comments! Thanks so much for being so open with your thoughts and experiences here. It seems like we have flushed out yet another reason for men and women alike to cheat: nothing more than the thrill of it. Kind of a disheartening finding considering that is something that is very hard to duplicate in a committed monogamous relationship and thus kind of puts you in a losing battle.
    It also seems like another common thread is that if once a cheater, always a cheater. Again, universal across women and men. Do you think that is just a given? Like it's an ongoing, unfixable character flaw that some people possess or is it just a behavior that they have deemd acceptable and feel entitled to continue doing? Can it be stopped? I feel another post coming on kids.

  11. Thanks for the pimping...Okay-here goes my two cents. For those who don't know me I wrote very openly at the start of my blog about being a mistress...I blogged as a warning to women that it's not all fun and games...several further posts have come from this...anyway...I have a bit of experience with men and why they cheat. I know this won't win me any fans-I knew that when I wrote my posts...but I am who I am and have done what I've done. Anyway-here goes.

    Here is what I've heard from the men I've been with:

    "My wife is great and I love her but I can't tell her all my naughty fantasies. She's the mother of my children and the stable rock in my life...I can't tie her up, ball gag her, and have insane animal sex with her." Some men can't express their kinks/fantasies/wild sexy ways with primp and proper wives.

    "To know that other women want me and still find me attractive when all my wife is worried about it work/kids/friends/family (list goes on and on) is too much of a high to pass up. She has stopped needing me." Men NEED to be needed it's their life force...when they feel unwanted and un-needed they will look for it elsewhere.

    "She'll never find out and if she did she would never leave me why not." This is not a nice guy...but sadly it's been true on more than one occasion.

    "She has stopped putting any effort into our sexual relationship or her looks. It's always sweatpants and pony tails and I miss looking at naked legs and exposed cleavage-I'm visual damnit." this one speaks for itself. Don't get me wrong-I see where wifey is coming from-she has a house and kids to take care of...I'm not saying husband is right here--but I get it.

    "She doesn't get me anymore. I feel like she has no idea what makes me tick." This guy doesn't even sleep with other women as much as he forms emotional bonds and closer than normal friendships with women to find understanding and validation in his accomplishments.

    "I want you." period. some men see something, want it, and take it...consequences be damned. There have been guys I've been friends with for years, they get married, see another man interested in me, touching me, and decide then and there they have to have a kid who saw somebody else with a toy they never wanted till he had it. Men are weird adult sized children sometimes.

    For me I have heard women say that they feel unsexy, undervalued, invisible, emotional needs aren't being met, are lonely. Some of these are the same as the men but I think typically women are prone to emotional cheating, flirting, sexting, etc I think a surprising percentage find being wanted enough and don't act on it.

    I will stop here-I could really go on all night...sorry if it was too long and hope I didn't piss anyone off. If I did direct it at me please and not lovely Randy! :)

  12. I think the ego plays a large part in why men cheat, while with women it tends to be an emotional thing.

    I am so full of comment fail tonight. I'm going to blame Jared for destroying my brain with his Power Rangers gay porn.

    I will do better tomorrow, darling.~ *mwha*

  13. @Jewels: Goodness woman, you are by far the expert on this topic, this post should have been done by you! Great job with anecdotal evidence of what real cheating men are doing and their reasoning behind it. Thank you so much for your perspective and for sharing so openly.

    @Kat: I think ego, the wanting to know you are wanted, is a big part of the motivation in many cases. The more I read, the more I think so. Thanks for the comment love! *mwah*

  14. Kat NAILED it. I was waiting for someone to say the word ego. Cheating is about lying, lying ot someone, to yourself and to truth. EGO is why men and women cheat.

  15. #5 for women can be #6 for men, with a twist.

    They want to have a near death experience.

    If I cheated on my girl, she'd kill my ass.

  16. I've been through a similar thing as Aimee. A guy I grew up with since we were babies told one of my brothers that if he knew I liked him even half as much as he cared for me he'd leave his wife and kids in a heart beat for me... being the women that ruined a marriage and family isn't on my list of life goals so it will never happen because even if I didn't know his wife I would never want to inflict pain on her just because her husband is a douche bag that needs to be told he's handsome and that he is wanted. No need to be a home wrecker. Plus he's more like a brother to me than any thing else.

    One of the guys I dated told me this. "Pussy is pussy. I'm not going to play with just one when I can get more just as easy. Deal with it." .. yeah, we didn't last long. LOL.

  17. "Randy" - i don't have your email so I will leave this here:

    my friend Tom Matlack wrote an article for The Good Men Project two days ago asking why female celebrities "get away with" adultery more than male ones. That provoked some wild comments - see the ones by a guy named Perry. You will dig the discussion and possibly the article.

  18. @Lance: I think the ego factor is huge. I know that even being single the want to be wanted is sometimes more a driver than actually wanting something good for myself. I have an ego issue. I see how it impacts marriages as well
    Thanks for the link as well, I'll go check it out!

    @Lost: I think you may be on to the remedy for cheating: fear of death if caught!

    @Jess: Wow, sounds like quite the situation you had on your hands. The line about pussy being pussy is one that I have seen in action too many times. It's the truth unfortunately if he believes it and too many guys believe it.

    Stay tuned for part 3 of the Cheating series posting Thursday at 6:00EST

  19. Great post.
    I think if it is in his mind to cheat then NOTHING will stop him short of castration(Ouch)
    A man is about as faithful as his options....
    sad but true.
    Cheers, Sausage Fingers

  20. Sheesh! I can't believe I wasn't a follower until just this minute! How did that happen? Now then, thanks for making sure I came over from Twitter. I think the biggest reason men cheat is because they can.

    I had a very long relationship with one man who was married and in a very open marriage and it was amazing. We got together whenever his wife was on a "date" weekend. I adore him. I ended the relationship about 2 years or more ago and we are very good friends now. I adore him still . He cares for me very much and I am grateful to have gotten a life long friend out of the experience. That's a different scenario. There was another man, about a year ago, that call. I wasn't his. He was mine. I would text or call him whenever I felt the urge and he would figure out a way to leave work/home whatever and come over. He was never more than an hour and it was exciting at first. In fact, it was exciting until it wasn't anymore. He told me that he didn't love his wife, but stayed because of the kids. To be honest, I didn't care. I was getting my needs met. That's all that I was focused on. I ended that after just a few months when it stopped working for me.

    I have no judgments about men who cheat. However, they do it because they can. Becasue they know they can. We as women will always throw ourselves at men we can't have, or we shouldn't be throwing ourselves at. It's basic human construction.

    It all boils down to choice. We choose to proposition a man we know is married. They choose to take us on it or they choose their wives. Period.

    And women..well we do have very different reasons for cheating. We do it for all the reasons you listed above. Mostly, we do it because we are missing something else at home, love, affection, attention, whatever. And I have to say..every time it is a choice. We choose to be unfaithful. Period.

    Ultimately, all of it is a choice. Whether we are male or female.

    Ohhhh this is fantastic! I think you just inspired a post for me at a later date!

  21. @Fingers: I think if anything, this proves it goes both way. Women are no better or worse than men. Both cheat and both have been cheated on.

    @Cinderita: So glad you finally decided to follow RG! Welcome aboard. Thanks so much for sharing your stories with us. For clarifying how it was a choice, for both cheater and the one he was cheating with. Thanks for your honest and openness on the the topic.

  22. I'm a new follower, and I've never been cheated on that I know of. I have been the one that was cheated with in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, not a marriage. Not that it makes it any better. I must say I couldn't stand the girl and he was sexy as hell. He pursued me though. I never would have gone after him. Maybe I'm naive, but I just feel like if someone is truly in love they don't want anyone else besides their partner.

  23. Krissy, I don't think that's niave. I think it's brave to believe that. I think on some level we all want to believe that. that's why when I say it's a choice, it truly is. We were made to mate. That's what human beings/animals do. We mate. So given the opportunity to "mate" with someone who isn't our partner, can be very enticing, especially when we don't think we'd get caught. I too have never cheated on anyone I was in a relationship with. And I knwo myself well enough to know I wouldn't. Unfortunately it's not ever 100% guaranteed. I love that you believe that. As do I.

  24. Thanks, Cinderita. I don't think I'd miss signs if he were cheating since I'm a cynical person and I'd wonder about red flags, but I'm glad you feel the same way.

  25. only time I ever cheated was because right when I started dating the girl she had gotten kicked out of school and had to move back home to the other side of the state. Should have called it off then but really she was the hottest girl I've had the pleasure to see naked in person so I didn't want to end things quite yet. But the distance got old really fast so I called my old fuck buddy and just fell into the old groove of things.

    I don't really feel bad about it. Sure it was a betrayal of trust and all that other stuff but the way I see it there's the emotional cheating and then there's the physical. I just needed physical stimulation. Though I doubt that excuse would ever hold up in an actual argument had I got caught (I didn't,went on for months and getting away with it is a lot easier than I thought it would be) it makes sense to me.

  26. @Krissy: Thanks for visiting and the follow at RG. Happy to have you here. And thanks for the great comment too. I think you confirm that it is a choice that someone makes, but you never know the circumstances that drive them to that choice. It's the whole "walk a mile" thing I guess.

    @Duke: I see how it happened and I can relate. I can kind of make a case for the "it's just sex" mentality because I have that mentality myself just as a single and dating person. Would it piss someone off if they knew, probably but there is no commitment so does it count? That is what we call gray area. Very dicey!

  27. I think #1 is selling guys way too short. The reasons are never truly understood but feeling of validation and appreciation are surely a way to get you there. It isn't that the sex is what makes them feel that way. It more than likely starts innocently then progresses into the sexual side of it.

    Men the rent hookers are simply looking for a little bit of attention while the playfully blow it off by saying "I don't pay for her to be here, I pay for her to leave".

  28. Trash finds trash and cheaters find one another!


I like attention, so give me some please!