Monday, February 28, 2011

The Pissed Off Vagina Post

I know, I know.... first "Shut Up and Pull My Hair" and now this. But Monday's usually suck so I thought I would just dive right in and kick this one off in style.  Although, I fear I may be giving you all the wrong idea about me. Or maybe it's the right idea and I am in just in denial... yeah, that's probably it.

So here is how this one started. On "Freaky Friday", you know the on Friday where everyone on your blogroll was posting about porn? Yeah, that one. Simple Dude had started the ball rolling with a post on a study that looked at the impact of internet porn watching vs. actual sex in regards to men. It was pretty good stuff. I, in my usual overly blunt way shared the following comment to his post:
Random Girl said...
In my formerly married life, I had many a knock down fight with the Ex over his internet porn situation. I took the offended wife position of "I must not be enough for you" he was like "I'm just killing time". And so on and so forth. It was a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Some guys use porn because that can't it at home, some guys don't get it at home because they use porn.. and piss off the real life vagina they have access to. His loss. Now I'm much more relaxed on the topic. I say, if it gets you off but you still get me off, we are ok. Life is much easier now.

Random Girl said...
Oh and no, you can't do a post about real life pissed off vagina access, I'm already working on that one...

And so now I have to make good on my promise, and deliver a post about the pissed off vagina situation. Me and my big F'ing mouth. 

Here is the basic breakdown. Ladies, you have all had one and Men, you have probably all had to stare into the cold, frightening face of one. It's the classic case scenario. Usually we all get along just fine, me, my vagina, and my man. But there are those moments of male stupidity that really force the pissed off vagina to rear its head.?.  It becomes an angry force unto itself and is officially in charge until said foul is amended for by said man. The ladies really have no choice in this battle, she is outvoted by a much more powerful force.  

The pissed off vagina basically goes into complete shut down mode until it feels properly vindicated. Which to make it simple for you guys out there still reading this, means don't even think about it. Literally, no thinking about it. Or touching it. Or having sex with it. Or thinking about it. It is NOT happening. 

There's no easy way out of (or into) this one boys. The only effective strategy is to go into complete kiss-ass mode with the owner lady of the pissed off vagina. She has some pull in this situation and the only way that you are going to make a pissed off vagina play nice again, is to win over her owner lady. There is no other way to do it. 

This is no easy feat and is not to be taken lightly. We are talking no holds barred here boys: admitting you were wrong, admitting she was right, promising to NEVER do again what is was you did to create the pissed off vagina in the first place. Really, complete begging and/or groveling may be required at this point. You have two choices: do it, or never get laid again or at least not any time in the foreseeable future. 

Choose wisely boys, the pissed off vagina has a very very long memory and can make you pay for it much longer than you would think possible if her owner lady is handy. Pun intended. But I'm not joking. And you know I'm right. 

So there you have it boys and girls, the pissed off vagina post, just as I promised. 


  1. What if you have no idea what to apologize about? Should the lady of said vagina inform her male what he has done wrong? Or should said male just randomly apologize?

  2. You are very considerate to pass on this advice to the men-folk, my darling one.~

    In response to Joe, I think it depends on the vagina. I would say to ask what you did wrong, but this pisses off some vaginas even more since you should "know what you did". I think that's kinda unfair because the owner of the vagina (the woman) should know that you men are sorta dense and at least play nice with you.

    I'm gonna say across the board to ask. Even if it pisses the vagina off more, it doesn't matter since it was mad already and at least you tried.

  3. My mother passed on some very useful words of advice. They are called the five magic words that will fix just about anything in any combination. The words are "Yes, Dear, I, am, Sorry" Used in any combination they will make the situation better. A simple "Yes Dear" or "Yes I am Sorry" or even "Sorry Dear" really really good at dissolving the angry vagina.

    Even if you don't know what you did wrong, if you are attached to said vagina, (as in you don't want to lose it) just say sorry.

  4. Oh the Vajayjay games! Now I know what you're talking about! Eh, yeah, shut it down, and keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, as your man wanders around oblivious to the fact that he's made a massive blunder.

    We guys really appreciate all the angry glares and cold shoulders, because that solves the problem right away.

    We fully intend on keeping the vagina AND said owner happy. However, we are too stupid to be able to read minds. Put it out there on the table. The wrongdoing, not your vagina, I eat off this table, TYVM. Unless that's what's for dinner. And if that's the case.......

  5. Great post and very informative - thanks for making good on the promise!

    I have learned much of this already in life, but learned it the hard way. Where the heck was advice like this 10 years ago ???


  6. Oh my goodness...So had this problem with my ex husband. I could yell at him and tell him whats wrong and still he wouldnt make amends with the pissed of vagina. He would wait around and see if things blew over and try to slip in later. Like a fucking IDIOT. No I am not your posession I will not lay down and let you bang me and take one for the team if were fighting and you want sex. If your a jerk and you make me feel like shit I am not giving it up to you...

    *There were many more issues mainly based on his archaic view of women that didn't manifest till a year or two after our wedding. Now were divorced so thats some other womans problem*

    One thing I will give the men is that you do have to smack them in the face with it. If they dont learn they either live with a pissed off vagina or they lose said vagina.

  7. @Joe: What? You mean you don't just know?? WTH? Just kidding! I would never want to have to try to figure out what I did on my own if I were you. It there is nothing blatantly offensive that you can recall, I would start off with a "I'm really sorry that I upset you. How can I fix this?" It may provoke some yelling about how clueless you are but at least you tried. I'm with Kat on that one.

    @Sweet Kat: You and I are all about PSAs lately aren't we? What good girls we are, sharing our knowledge about shovel buddies and pissed off vaginas. I agree with your assessment. It's better to ask than act oblivious. The vagina can see right through that avoidance act. Smart girl you are, princess!

    @Not the Hero: Hooray for your mother. She is a smart woman. However, if those 5 words or any combination thereof are not delivered with complete sincerity, it may backfire and be found condescending and then you are in deeper shit than you were when you committed the original offending act. So practice in the mirror first so it comes off as believable and sincere ok??

    @ET:Hmmm, well I don't mind putting it on the table, or anywhere else for that matter but that may just be me. As for most women, icing you out is the quickest way to get your attention and the sooner you start wondering what the hell you did to deserve it, the sooner we can start torturing you intentionally because then we know that you know you did something monumentally stupid and now you just have to figure it out. Fun right?

    @SD: Glad I met your expectations SD! I was a little nervous after all the build up. Whew! I guess I knew this 10 years ago, just didn't have a blog in which to share with all of you lovelies. I'll continue to throw little PSAs out there as the need arises! If you have any immediate mysteries about your lady friend, I'll try to bail you out man.

    @Brandi: Sorry love, sounds like your ex hubs was a complete asshat. Good for you for putting an end to that train wreck. But I agree with your sentiment, unhappy = no sex. It's a pretty simple equation. Unless it's angry sex and then sometimes, an exception can be made momentarily, but the ice out continues immediately after. Got to love the power of the pissed off vagina!

  8. THIS WAS KICK ASS! I had to let my man know this one time! He pissed off my vagina by not CLIPPING HIS NAILS! It hurt, and my vagina lost all trust for him! It took him a week to earn it's trust again. Once the vagina loses it's trust for a man, it'll be as dry as sandpaper!

  9. The one thing you can't do is when your man asks you "what's wrong" is say, NOTHING. Yeah, tell him what's wrong. The old nothing ploy is asking for trouble. We men will just say, "Okay" and go on about our business, assuming that you were telling the truth.

    But what do I know, today's my first day.

  10. Also, my security word for my last post was doush. No lie.

  11. @Thundercat: Glad you liked it hot stuff! And yes, no nail clipping is grounds for sandpaper. Enough said!

    @ET: I swear I had nothing to do with the security word, but that is greatness! I guess my blog has made up its own mind about you. Blog owner does not agree but laughs anyways, I can't help it.
    And you can't call foul on the "Nothing" response. It's mandatory girl code to give at least 3 "nothings" to test your interest in really actually knowing what you screwed up this time. As a general guy rule, if your vagina owner lady says nothing, you know you are still in deep shit. Start apologizing. And don't stop for a while. And then when smoothed over, go for the tease/devour move you referenced in the "Shut Up and Pull my Hair" post. hmmmm that will help.

  12. But wouldn't it be so much more sublime if you told me what I did wrong, then I apologized, and then softly brushed your hair back from your eyes, looked deeply into them, and faked left, then went right, and kissed you at the base of your neck? Wouldn't it just be so much better that way? I'm just sayin....

  13. @ET: we may need to take this discussion offline ET,,, you are putting up quite the argument. I may need more, very detailed, information to fully consider your specific points.

  14. When my husband fucks up, I try that angry, witholding sex thing. If he makes a move for sexy time, I hand him some skin mags, a few dvd's, the remote and some lube. I tell him we can either use these things together or you can take it all to the guest room; alone. Oh my god!! I almost said that all with a straight face!! Withholding sex from my husband is just denying myself a good fucking. I can be pissed off at him and still have a happy,satisfied vagina. I just make him do all the work. Yay me!

  15. If only I had read this post before I came home... I entered the door to have a raging furious vagina calling for my blood. It took me about an hour to diffuse the situation, and I'm STILL not gonna get any tonight! Grrrrr....

  16. @Heather: It depends on the offense, but opting for the "I'm angry but you can fuck me if you do all the work as your punishment" system can work too. I like to use a mix of both just to keep my men guessing. Never a dull moment ey cupcake?

    @ET: Consider it done. We can consider it research in the name of the greater good.

    @Lost: So sorry for the bad timing love but in my defense, this went up early today. It's not too late to calm down the pissed of vagina, it may just take some sincere apologizing and the promise of lots of oral for her. Totally worth it in my opinion. Good luck, love!

  17. hahaha. loved this. it's so true...the vagina never forgets and is hesitant to forgive. I take pity on the man (and my vagina-cause it likes sex) and at least let the guy know what he did wrong. I don't make him guess-it doesn't help when he doesn't know what he did wrong to begin with.

  18. @Jewels: Sing on sister! Never forgets and is hesitant to forgive. I think Hannah and I have our next t-shirt slogan. It's going to be epic! I too have thrown a clue out to hasten the process when I don't feel like handling things myself again out of spite. I'm weak sometimes like that..and I like sex too so I guess I'll just consider motivation to reconcile. Thanks for the great comment sweetness!

  19. Yes! Another t-shirt slogan! It's an awesome one too!

    But, truthfully, I have never had a pissed off vagina because I love sex WAY TOO MUCH to have it shut down on me. But I can see how it can happen. Actually when I'm pissed off my husband doesn't want to have anything to do with my vagina. So I've learned to solve problems as quickly as possible so we can "get back to business."

    And dammit ET! You've got me thinking very dirty things! I completely agree with the recommendation that you write a "Naughty Nothings" post. You'd have us girls whimpering with desire!

  20. Your right about pissing her off more by asking. Once she was pissed off about a dream she had about me, so I needed to say I was sorry for what I did in the dream. LOL

  21. @Hannah: Yes, "Fear the Pissed Off Vagina" would be a best seller I'm sure. To the presses!!

    @Joe: You my fine sir, are a victim of circumstance, even the vagina's subconscious knows that it's somehow your fault and manifests itself in dreams. Tough position to defend. But I would begin saying your sorry that you angered her subconscious and it's totally your fault that she had a dream that made her angry. Then oral, lots of oral to make amends. Everyone ends up happy that way right??

    ET: You may indeed by the devil. I like you.

  22. Unfortunately, there are those of us who seem to have a problem getting our vaginas to get pissed. It really wouldn't matter what my husband did short of beating the ever lovin' shit outta me, cheating on me, or spending our retirement savings on punch balloons. I'd still have sex with him. And then after I have sex, I'm never pissed about what it is I was pissed about to begin you'd think I'd never get my way. But it's the opposite. After I rock his world, I. ALWAYS. GET. MY. WAY. Without even having to ask. Sometimes I wish my vag would go into shut-down mode, but alas. My vag doesn't even go into shut-down mode when I'm asleep. I've literally woken up sitting on top of my husband.

  23. @Aimee: your hubs is a very lucky man. Don't ever let him know you would give it to him regardless though, that could be a very unlucky power shift for you princess! Keep riding!

  24. Shit like this is why I don't date seriously. Too much pride to ever grovel for some poon. the vag better shoot out sparks sparks and play "ode to joy" when brought to climax if I'm ever going to stoop to that level just to get back in there.

  25. @Duke: Shoot out sparks and play "ode to joy"??? That is awesome! I've yet to personally experience that but then I again, I never say never. Hilarious!


I like attention, so give me some please!